My shoulders slouched and tears prickled. “Please…just go away.”
He reached forward, his thumb tracing my cheekbone, wiping away a single tear. “Never again. I promise this will be the last time I make you cry.”
I ripped my face from his touch. “Why are you doing this?”
He dropped his hand to his lap. “I had some sense knocked into me.”
My head throbbed harder. “What does that mean?”
“It means I was told you were dead.”
I sucked in a breath. “Who would tell you such an awful thing?”
“If you stop asking questions, I’ll tell you.”
My teeth gritted.
His smile was totally at odds to this strange conversation, yet so perfect. The smile said he truly did love me. He was exasperated that I wouldn’t accept it but patient enough to convince me.
I just didn’t know if I wanted convincing when I didn’t trust him to stay.
“I came here as a favour to your father,” he said softly. “I believed, when you drove away from Cherry River, that I was doing the right thing by letting you go. That I couldn’t survive giving you what you needed. But when he called, Hope? Fuck, it all came crashing down, and I finally understood. I didn’t have a choice. I’d never had a choice because I’d already fallen for you. I’d already claimed you as mine.”
“I’m not yours.”
“But you are. You have been since that night we first met.”
“No.” I shook my head. “You could have had me, but you turned me down. Not once, not twice…I’ve forgotten how many times you pushed me away. But you don’t have to push me away now because I’m done, do you hear me?”
“I’m not pushing you away, Hope. I’m asking you to give me another chance.”
“No more chances.” I blinked back tears. “I have no more to give.”
“Yet you’ll crash your car and let some nurse tell me you’re dead?”
“Excuse me?” My mouth fell open. “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re saying that’s my fault?”
Whoa, the audacity.
My crutches were in reaching distance. He deserved a good swat on the head.
He didn’t stiffen, challenge, or rebuff. He just nodded in that sage, wise way. A blanket of calm and acceptance over him. Nothing at all like the Jacob I used to know. “Hearing you’d died brought me to my knees, Hope.” His voice was barely audible as he studied my cast. “I might have come on behalf of your father, but that’s the biggest lie I could tell. I came here for me. I came for all the mistakes I’ve made and all the—”
“I didn’t ask you to come.”
He ignored me, carrying on as if I hadn’t spoken. “I came because I knew I would rather have you for the shortest time than not at all. I finally understand why my parents accepted such pain. But by the time I arrived at the hospital, I was losing my mind. When the nurse couldn’t find your record, I steadily suffocated with panic. And when she told me you were dead?” He shrugged with such dejection, my heart wept. “I broke.”
The sentence hung monstrous and honest between us, sinking heavily to the floor while Jacob sucked in a breath and I stayed deathly silent.
He didn’t meet my eyes as he confessed, “I lost everything when I lost you. Everything I’ve been running from, my fears, my triggers, my unresolved grief—it all found me. I-I’m not proud of what happened. I hate that people saw me that way, knowing the gossipers will spread my breakdown with glee. I wish I weren’t so fucked up that it took two doctors and a syringe to put me out of my misery. But I—”
“Wait…” I jerked. “They…sedated you?”
He gave me a wry smile. “Something like that.”
“Are you okay?”
He gave me the most adoring smile. “Even after everything I’ve done to you, you still ask if I’m okay.”
My body reacted to the echoes of shame and sorrow in his tone. My arms begged to hug him. My heart cried to love him. I still had the undying need to offer sanctuary and comfort.
But those were lies.
Jacob had suffered a panic attack.
That’s all.
He was cracked open and vulnerable. His emotions frayed and existence tested. He might mean what he said. He might believe he would stand by his declarations.
But I knew how strong his safety mechanisms were. Once he’d patched up his hurt and hidden away his tears, he wouldn’t be able to be so unguarded again.
He’d push me from his heart.
He’d gather himself in loneliness because that was all he’d ever known.
“I can’t do this, Jacob,” I whispered. “I can’t put myself through this again.”
He froze. “But—”
“Please…you have to let me go.” I forced myself to meet his eyes, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I’m not strong enough.”
“But I love you.”
“It’s not enough.”
Familiar temper glittered in his onyx gemstone eyes. “What is enough? What do I have to do to prove to you that I’m serious?”