Loathing for myself because I could’ve had her when she was seventeen while secreted away on my farm. She could’ve been mine from the very start.
Instead, I’d pushed her away.
She’d had a life without me.
She would continue to have a life without me after this.
My lips punished hers, bruising both of us as my disgusting thoughts pressured me to break—to either run or rush this. To find the climax I needed without the annihilation of being loved by her.
My right hand skated down her body, tugging on the wet fabric of her dress. “Off. I want this off.”
Her eyes flared as I pulled away and gave her space. Hesitantly, her fingers hitched the hem, pausing around her hips. “Before I do, can I, um, ask one more question…and then I’m all yours.”
My cock hardened to agony levels. “You’re already mine.” I dragged a fingertip along her collarbone. “You’re in my bed, after all.”
“You know what I mean.” Her eyelids lowered, turning brilliant green into sultry emerald.
“How about we avoid another fight by not talking?” Ducking, I kissed the collarbone I’d just stroked. Her skin tasted of rain, coconut, and lemonade.
I groaned, nipping at her. “We seem to do better when conversation isn’t our main pastime.”
“One question, Jacob.” Her back bowed as I wedged an arm around her, bending her backward until I earned a mouthful of delicious Hope. I wanted to trail my tongue down to the nipple showing beneath her clothes.
I groaned again, but this time in annoyance. “Fine, one question.”
She blinked, hazed and hot as I unwound my arm and hovered over her.
“Ask quickly. Patience isn’t exactly my strong suit.”
“Okay.” She licked her lips. “A-are you happy? I mean, right now? With me?”
I froze.
Happy?
Try terrified.
“I’m horny; does that count?”
Hurt glistened in her gaze. She took a moment to reply. “I guess…seeing as that is the main reason I’m pinned beneath you.”
“You did argue that I’d never given in.” I rocked my hardness against her. “Aren’t you happy now that I have?”
Her hand raised to cup my cheek. Her touch sent fire bolts and poison right to my heart. Instinct howled for me to move away, but I shivered and ignored it, allowing the connection, enduring it.
“If I’m being honest, I don’t know what I am.” She sighed heavily. “I want you so much that if you didn’t mean so much to me, I’d already be naked with you inside me. But…”
I liked the sound of that, and I was happy to oblige, but the faint thread of fear in her tone made me ask gently, “But?”
“But…why do I already feel like crying?”
“Do you often cry before having sex?” I meant it as a joke—an idiotic attempt to lighten the suddenly stifling tension. But my ribcage cracked one rib at a time as her eyes darted away, hiding a spark of truth.
Shit.
So this wasn’t her first time.
That killed me. Here I was, the inexperienced, scared little virgin, and Hope had been touched before. Adored before. Cared for in ways I was too broken to achieve.
Great, now I felt like crying. Or tearing the goddamn walls apart. Or yelling at her for being my only friend, which meant she had all the power in the world to butcher me.
It wasn’t fair.
I hated that she’d been intimate with others, all while I’d wrapped myself up in loneliness. It was my own stupid fault.
I knew that.
But it didn’t mean I could live with it.
I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to feel a tenth of the agony and longing I had for her.
At least then she’d have a justified reason to cry.
“What are you thinking about?” Her fingers trailed my spine. “You’ve gone rigid.” Her other hand ran along my jawline. “If you don’t stop clenching, you’ll break your teeth.”
A lance of pain struck from nowhere. My mother had said that exact thing on the red carpet for The Boy & His Ribbon. Hope had known my mother. She’d loved her. She’d met me when I was an idiotic fourteen-year-old mess.
Yet here she still was…tormenting me.
“Why are you here?” I narrowed my eyes.
She stiffened. “I told you…it’s difficult to discuss. If you want to talk, we should stop…and talk.” She moved beneath me, but I clamped hands on her shoulders, keeping her down.
“I don’t mean why you’re here, here. We’ll deal with that later. I meant why are you still here? With me…after all this time? Why are you still…my friend?”
Her lips parted. The air crackled with electricity caused by lust and lightning. “What sort of question is that?”
“A good one, so answer it.”
“Friends are there for the good and bad, Jacob. I’m loyal.”
“Loyalty can be a curse.”
“You’re right.” She nodded, her body heat scorching mine, sending more blood between my legs. “But it can also be rewarding…especially when the friend in question accepts there’s something more between them.”