There.
Right now.
Just like Grandpa wanted.
“Don’t…cry.” She sucked in a useless breath, pink bubbly blood painting her lips. “Please…please don’t cry.”
I nodded, biting my lip and hugging her closer. “I won’t.”
“Don’t…miss me.”
I convulsed. She wasn’t just comforting me. She was saying goodbye.
Shaking my head, I rubbed at her cheek where a tear escaped her. “I won’t have to miss you because you’re not going anywhere.”
Her smile turned into a bloody grimace. For a second, all she could do was focus on breathing. Her abdomen steadily turning crimson-black from spreading trauma.
“Promise me…Wild…One.”
I couldn’t reply. Words clutched brutal, bruising fingers around my throat, preventing me from speaking. Preventing me from curses. Preventing me from pleading for this to be a joke.
Why the fuck did I wave?
Why hadn’t she been more careful?
She knew how unpredictable rescue horses were.
She knew better.
Rage heated me. I wanted to scold her. Shake her.
But her breathless pant made me squeeze my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look death in the face as it took my mother away from me.
Anything but this.
Anything.
Please, God, anything.
“Jacob…” Mom’s eyes glowed blue with fierceness even as they glossed with tears. “I need you…to promise me…something.”
“Just rest. Help is on the way.”
She sighed with a blood-bubbly cough. “I’ll rest…soon. First…promise me.”
My chest cracked in two. My ribs wanted to puncture my lung in her place. My heart wanted to sacrifice itself so she could live.
I shook my head, not strong enough to have a last conversation with my mother. But her body seized, and her eyes closed, and I hated myself to the pits of Hades.
I was making this harder for her. She wanted me to promise something.
I’d made a promise to a dying father.
Now, I’d make one to a dying mother.
That was my only purpose.
To be the good son—the son who loved his parents even if it killed him.
Hope had tried to make me accept this. To accept that death was a part of life and it was only by accepting that I could be free.
She was wrong.
This could’ve been prevented.
This was my fault.
I’d murdered my mother, and now, I had the punishment of watching her fade away in my arms.
Joy was a myth.
Grief was my reality.
“Okay, Mom.” Sitting taller, I swiped at my tears and swallowed back my rage. She needed me to do this for her. It would aid in her goodbye.
“Anything.” I forced with gruff bite. “Whatever it is. I’ll do it.”
Regrets. Wishes. Pain.
All of it squashed my heart, suffocating me, taking me in her place.
She smiled, relieved. I was the ever-frustrating son, driving her mad until her dying day. “You are…so like… him. Sometimes too…like him.”
For once, I didn’t want to talk about my father. “Stop. Just breathe. Hold on.”
She shook her head. “I’m…leaving…Jacob.”
“No.”
“Yes.” Her fingers wrapped into fists on her belly, another wash of agony enveloping her. The sight of her bone puncturing her side seared my brain with nightmares.
I would always see that.
I would forever remember her this way and not the years of togetherness we’d shared.
I hated that.
I cursed that.
I wanted to pretend this wasn’t happening and run.
“You…have a…wanderer’s heart. Listen to…it.”
“I don’t need to wander to know I’m happy here.”
“Your promise…kept you…here.” She soared off my lap again, trying to curl into a ball around her pain.
I soothed her, cradling her close, not caring blood stained my jeans and T-shirt. Not noticing her tears and life force painted my fingers.
I didn’t need to ask what promise.
She’d known all along what I’d vowed to Dad.
And I’d made her feel awful instead of protecting her.
I’d grown short-tempered when she wanted to spend time with me. I’d argued with her over trivial things. I hadn’t let her touch or hug me. I’d held my love hostage and didn’t look after her the way Dad would’ve wanted.
Fuck.
I’d give anything to be back in the greenhouse yesterday. Safe and breathing clear. Appreciating every moment I had with her.
Tears swam in my eyes, turning me blind. “I’m so, so sorry. I should’ve been better. I’m sorry I—”
“Never…be sorry.” Her fingers sought mine, squeezing in a sudden burst of strength. “Go wander.” She inhaled as deep as she could. “Take Hope…explore, visit, learn…but don’t just be…like Ren and travel…the forests. Travel the oceans. Cross…the seas. Find…peace.”
I sniffed back sorrow. “Peace is here.”
“No.” She kissed the back of my hand. “Torment…is.”
My head bowed, praying to her.
I hated that she was right.
I hated that she knew me.
I hated that after today, I’d have no choice but to leave.
I would never be able to look at this land again without remembering the parents it had buried. Never be able to take in a rescue without wanting to kill it for what it had killed in return.
If I stayed, the final pieces of me would perish.
My sanity would slip into madness.
I would be nothing but hate and heartbreak.