I tripped back a step, unable to ignore the urge to flee. “Oh, that’s—”
“Don’t say it’s fine because I know it’s not. I’m doing my best to stay calm to show you how serious I am about this. I know you think I’m some charity case who needs help. I know you think I need taken care of but—”
“I don’t think that. I’m not pushing you out of charity.”
“Either way, I’m grateful for what you’ve done for me. Your hard work has been much appreciated, but…” He sighed long and harsh.
“There’s that but again.”
He gave me a tight smile.
I gulped. “But…you want me to leave? Like you asked before we kissed?” My voice was the size of a field mouse.
He tensed. Our eyes tangled. And in that stare, I saw everything he didn’t want to say. Everything he would never say. The fact that he did feel something for me. Felt something that terrified him enough to stay far away.
“That was said in anger, forget it. I’m not asking you to go.” He ran a hand over his face, smearing a streak of dirt. “I’m just asking for…space.”
“Space?”
“For the time being, yes.”
“Can I still work with you?”
“Yes.”
“Can I still talk to you?”
“Of course.”
“What about hanging out with your mother and family?”
“I want you to hang out with them. They’re amazing people.”
“Then…” My heart had never hurt so much. “How is that not a friendship, Jacob? How can we spend all those hours together and not be bound in some sort of connection?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged as if it grieved him to have people love him. As if he already mourned the love that could be stolen. “I just know I can’t care for you the way you want me to. I don’t like how it scrambles me up inside. I don’t like being so mean to you. That isn’t me and it sucks that I keep being cruel when you’re only trying to be kind.”
I pocketed those sentences. I bottled up that pain. I saved them for the day I’d walk away from Jacob Wild and entertain a proper job—a job I was more suited to than playing a farmer’s hired hand.
I didn’t know what to say.
Jacob scuffed his boot into the earth. “I’ve been thinking about this all week. It’s been driving me insane. I can’t lie and say that kiss wasn’t amazing. It was. It caught me off guard. It showed me…how easy it could be to—” He shook his head. “Anyway, I hope…I hope I haven’t hurt you. I’m sorry I’ve been so rude to you. It’s just…I can’t cope with closeness the way other people can.” His ebony eyes met mine. “Can…can you understand that?”
I gritted my teeth, doing my best not to show how badly he’d decimated me. The belief I’d held since we were kids slowly dissolved, fading away like smoke.
He’d finally been honest with me and instead of appreciating that, I wanted to hurt him back.
I wanted to yell, ‘Please love me!’ Instead, I forced myself to be better than the broken anger inside me. Dropping my gaze, I whispered, “I’ll always be your…um, not-friend. For as long as you let me stay.”
I had no backbone but only because he’d stolen it. Just like he’d stolen my lungs, my heart, my soul. He’d stolen them so many years ago, yet he didn’t want them. He’d never asked for them or given his in return. And although I ached for a heart and begged for a soul and wished for a backbone, I had no idea how to claim them back.
“I’ll be a good host to you from now on. I promise.” He smiled. “I won’t be so…argumentative.”
“Oh, well, that’s a relief.” I did my best to laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.
I’d lost.
I’d failed.
It was over.
“Guess we better get back to work.” He gave me a haphazard, half-hearted grin before turning and striding toward the trailer. His shoulders came up, a curse falling from his lips. “Ah, shit.”
I moved to follow him, my instinct to help still strong, but then I caught sight of what he had.
At the real reason he’d cursed.
And it wasn’t because of me.
Della, Cassie, John, Chip, Nina, and even my dad made their way through the gate and toward us in the field.
What on earth?
Della had said she’d come help, but I hadn’t expected the entire family. And I definitely didn’t expect my father. When had he arrived? What was he doing here?
Please, don’t be here to take me home.
Even though it made sense to leave. Even though it would probably be for the best, the thought of no longer living at Cherry River snaked terror around my heart.
I wasn’t ready to go. I would never be ready to go.
Even if Jacob and I forever remained nothing more than neighbours, I loved this place too much to turn my back on it.