“That’s because there is no us.”
“But there could be.”
I laughed coldly. “No, there couldn’t.”
“Friends, Jacob. Everyone needs at least one. We’re different, but we’re the same too. We’re both lonely.”
I stormed around her, only to find her in front of me again. “I’m not lonely. Have you met my family? I have lots of company.”
“I have met them, and they’re all afraid of you.”
“Afraid?” I flinched. “What the hell does that mean?”
“They all want to love you, Jacob, but you don’t let them.”
“This conversation is over.” I cut to the side. If she kept blocking the way to my cabin, so be it. I’d just head to Forrest’s paddock and sleep beneath the willow instead.
Hope didn’t chase me, but her voice dug claws into my back, slamming me to a stop. “I give you my word, Jacob Wild. I will never ask for more than what you can give. I won’t touch you. I won’t hug you. I won’t pry into your mind or demand to know more than what you tell me. I also promise not to like you very much. I’ll be honest when you’re being a jerk, and I’ll be your friend even when you are my enemy. But for the rest of the time, I’ll just be there. You can yell at me, talk to me, or ignore me completely, but at least you know you don’t have to try with me. You’ll be free to just hang out with no expectation or obligation. And then, when I go home to my dad, you won’t have lost anything. You won’t even care when I’m gone.”
I couldn’t breathe.
It took every drop of willpower to turn and face her.
She stood in shadows thanks to clouds obscuring the moon, and the meadow no longer looked magical. It looked like a wasteland, and she was some angel of death, giving me an offer that came with eternal damnation.
“I told you once, and I’ll tell you again.” I balled my hands until my nails dug into my palms. “I’m. Not. Lonely.”
Very slowly, almost as if she floated rather than walked, she came toward me. “You might not be. I might have that completely wrong. But I am. Can’t you see? Your letters hurt me, Jacob. Your indifference when all I wanted was someone to talk to made me feel like dirt.”
“You want an apology for that too?” I sneered. “You didn’t get the hint then, and you’re not getting it now. I’m not looking for a friend.”
“You’re looking for something.”
Everything inside me turned ice cold. “I’m done.” I pointed for the second time at Mom’s house. “Leave. I won’t ask again.”
“You’re not asking now. You’re ordering.”
“Yet you’re still here, so my orders aren’t working.”
“That’s because you haven’t given me an answer.”
“Because there is no answer to give!”
She sighed as if her patience had run as thin as mine. “I’m not asking you to like me. I’m asking you to accept me. That’s all.”
“You’re our guest. I’ve already agreed to be nice to you while you’re here.”
“Being nice is just another form of indifference. I want more.”
“You just said you wouldn’t ask for more.” My eyes searched hers, trying to understand this strange creature. She was willing to have a friendship with someone who honestly couldn’t cope with such a thing. “Why are you doing this?”
She smiled sadly. “Because ever since I saw you on set, I’ve wanted to know you. I’m not afraid of you, Jacob. And you need someone who isn’t afraid of you.”
“I don’t need anyone.”
“Are you honestly so sure about that?”
My heart pounded, making me shake with violence. “Deadly. Now get out of my way.”
I no longer cared if she was out here until dawn.
I didn’t worry she might get hurt.
All I cared about was getting the hell away from her.
Immediately.
Right now.
Before she pushed me too far, and I did something I’d regret.
Hurt her.
Kiss her.
Fall for her.
They were all as terrifying as the last, and none of them could be permitted.
I left Hope alone.
And with every step I took, the knowing, condemning breeze of my conscience chased me all the way home.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Jacob
* * * * * *
THE WEEK ONLY grew worse.
Hope’s presence infiltrated every inch of the hundred acres I was responsible for, hounding me, judging me, punishing me.
I barely slept. I hardly ate. I existed on frustration, resentment, and rage.
For seven nights, I made excuses for why I couldn’t go over to Mom’s place to make dinner like I usually did. I stayed out on the tractor for far longer than normal, and when I dragged my weary ass into bed, my mind only raced faster, repeating everything Hope had said.
“I will never ask for more than what you can give.”
“You won’t even care when I’m gone.”
Hope believed I was some shallow, cold-hearted bastard who destroyed anyone for getting close to him. She thought I didn’t need their love. That I’d shut myself off from feeling. She wouldn’t have been able to make such an offer if she didn’t.