My head shot up in surprise at her words. I knew my gramps wasn’t Uncle Nix’s dad, just like my mom didn’t belong to Nan, but I’d never heard the story of why that was. It had always just been truth, and I’d never had reason to question it.
“I’m only telling you this. . . Well, I just want you to have the facts, alright?”
“I’m gonna go,” Vera said suddenly. “Can’t take no more trips down memory lane.”
She walked over and cupped my cheeks like she’d done when I was little, then kissed my forehead tenderly. “I love you, kiddo.”
“Love you, too.”
Nan was silent for a few moments after Vera left, then took a deep breath and began to speak.
“I was raped. It was brutal and demoralizing and completely shattered everything I’d thought I knew about the world and my place in it,” she said flatly, her eyes steady on mine. “My rapist is the one who messed up my hand—well, he didn’t cut off the fingers, that happened when I was a kid.”
She raised her hand, gnarled and twisted with arthritis, the pinky and ring finger missing from the second knuckle.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered in horror.
“That was how Nix was conceived.”
I felt my eyes grow wide as I inhaled sharply, but I couldn’t stop my reaction. I’d never known. No one had ever said a word to me.
My eyes slammed shut as I grimaced, thinking about my handsome uncle, who looked nothing like my nan and towered over her by a foot. I’d always thought his dad must have been huge, and the implications of that were not lost on me as Nan sat across the table, wringing her hands.
“Bellatrix, I’m not telling you this so that you feel sorry for me, or feel some misplaced sense of guilt about your feelings. Okay, baby?”
I nodded, my throat so tight I didn’t think I could get any words out.
“I’m telling you because I know how it feels to have a baby inside you that you don’t want. I know how scared you are. But I want you to know,” she reached out and gripped my hand hard, “you can do this. You can be a parent, even if you weren’t prepared. Even if the thought scares you shitless. Even if this wasn’t in your plans. Even if you think that having the baby might possibly break you into so many pieces that you’ll never find them all again.” Her voice had gone raspy, and I knew the last sentence didn’t apply to me, but to her. “You will never understand the type of love you’ll have for your child until you’re a parent. It’s all encompassing. It’s the most important thing you’ll ever do. It’s your decision whether you’re ready for that or not.”
“I don’t think I can,” I whispered back, a heavy weight settling in my belly.
“I believe in a right to choose, always have, always will. I will never judge you and I will always love you,” she said firmly. “But I want you to think this through, Trix. I want you to take a few days. Tell Cam. Discuss things with him. Because this is a decision that will never leave you, and you need to be absolutely sure it’s what you want. After it’s done, it’s done.”
“Do you think I’m horrible?” I asked as my eyes welled up.
“No,” she said sympathetically, “I don’t.”
She came around the table and pulled me into her arms, letting me cry quietly into her chest.
I wasn’t thinking about making a decision or the fact that I had to tell Cam. My mind was blank as tears rolled down my face.
* * *
Hours later, I was curled up in the dark on the living room couch when Cam came through the front door.
“Bea?” he called out, flipping on the light switch. “Shit—what the hell are you doin’ sittin’ in the dark?”
“Too lazy to get up, I guess,” I lied, pushing myself up until I was sitting. “You’re home kinda late.”
“Yeah, got bullshitting with Casper and lost track of time,” he said, taking off his boots and cut. “Sorry, baby. How was your test?”
“It was fine.”
“Just fine?” he asked with a smile. “Earlier you said you kicked ass.”
I shrugged my shoulders and his smile dropped. “What’s goin’ on?”
“Come sit with me,” I replied softly, meeting his eyes for the first time.
“Rather stand,” he replied warily. He moved to stand in front of the couch, and I had to tilt my head way back in order to see his face. I wanted to stand up so I wasn’t at such a disadvantage, but I was afraid if I did, he would pull me into his arms and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from sobbing.
“I’m pregnant,” I announced steadily, trying not to flinch as he inhaled sharply, his eyes widening.