“I think a lot of people find wedding planning to be insanely stressful. And while the day of is supposed to be spectacular since it’s one big party…it’s usually pretty nerve-racking and stressful, too. I don’t think it’s strange that you’re freaked-out by this,” Chyna said thoughtfully. “I mean, especially because you freak out about everything.”
“You must have me confused with someone else.”
“Try and tell me that half of this anxiety doesn’t come from Jack’s imminent divorce.”
“Not half—”
“And the other half doesn’t come from shit with Ramsey—the past of lies, that Elisa bitch…what happened last summer.”
“Let’s not talk about that,” Lexi snapped.
“Okay, fine,” Chyna said, throwing up her hands. “Live in your delusional life right now, but one day, you are going to have to face up to all of these anxieties. Wouldn’t it be better to just tell me about them, so you can move on, rather than sitting in your head and obsessing over everything? I’m here for you. I know the stupid shit you’ve done. You know the stupid shit I’ve done. I’m not going to judge you. What do you want, Alexa? What makes you happy through all of this?”
“I don’t know.”
“Seriously?” Chyna asked. She planted her hands on her hips and practically glared at Lexi. “You don’t know what you want?”
“I mean…I know what I want.”
“Then, just forget all the other bullshit. Forget all the drama—Ramsey, Jack, Bekah, Parker, Elisa, John. Just forget it. Tell me.”
“I want Ramsey,” she said automatically.
“I told you to forget about the bullshit. Don’t feed me cookie-cutter answers. I know that you love him, and you agreed to marry him, but that doesn’t tell me what you want,” Chyna cried. “Why does this have to be so difficult? You know what I wanted most of my life?”
“One-night stands?”
Chyna gave her a stilted laugh. “I wanted my parents to leave me alone. I wanted to forget about how much they f**ked me up when they got divorced. I wanted their memory not to taint every relationship…every thought of a relationship…even a friendship. And you know what? Then, I found you. They can’t touch you. So, I won at least part of that even if I have to fight the rest of it daily. I won. They didn’t. I got what I wanted. I found a best friend who didn’t treat me like they did, who treated me like a person. I’ve made mistakes…I mean, every once in a while,” she said, raising her eyebrows with a smirk on her perfect lips. “But I knew what I wanted, and I wasn’t going to settle for less than that.”
“While I appreciate the sentiment, are you going to tell me you didn’t settle for less than that all of those years you were sleeping around with half of Manhattan?”
“I wasn’t looking for a relationship then. I’m sure I wouldn’t have found one with the guys I was taking home. Aren’t you surprised I’m getting married?”
“A hundred percent,” Lexi said without skipping a beat.
“Bitch!” Chyna cried. “Anyway, this isn’t about me. I was stupid, and I didn’t go after what I wanted all the time either. I f**ked it up with Adam twice, but once I realized that he was it, I haven’t looked back. I just know. It’s like after Marco blacklisted me for over a year. I just didn’t give in to his demands, but I still went after modeling. I never stopped. Then one day Corsa calls me back, says that Marco lifted the blacklist, and that she wants me for fashion week. I won. I got what I wanted. So, cut the bullshit and talk to me.”
Lexi took in a shuddering breath. Chyna wasn’t messing around, and Lexi couldn’t act like it was all a joke any longer. Just considering everything Chyna had said made Lexi want to burst into tears. Because the truth was that her head had been so f**ked-up for so long that she didn’t even know what she wanted.
She thought that was Ramsey. She had certainly been saying it was Ramsey for long enough. He was perfect. He loved her fiercely. He wanted what was best for her. There was absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with a man like that. How could she resist a man who treated her like that?
But then, there was that feeling…that moment…that ate away at her heart. Doubt. Chyna had hit the nail on the head. She had been with Ramsey for almost three-and-a-half years now, and she still couldn’t say whether or not she actually trusted him. It felt ridiculous—absolutely ridiculous. How could she waver about someone when she had been with him that long?
But it still sat there—that seed of doubt—creeping up her spine, spreading out through her nerve endings, paralyzing her when she least expected it.
“I want to…stop feeling like I have to try so hard,” she finally whispered. “I feel like I’ve spent all this time just trying to hold in everything. I can’t be irritated about Parker because I’m friends with Jack. I have to just forget about Elisa because the company wants to forget about Elisa. I have to just accept the man who works a country-club life because he did it for me—when I never asked for any of it! I just have to accept that Ramsey did everything for me because he loves me. I just have to accept that Bekah is trying to tear Jack apart when all I want to do is make it right. I can’t seem to do anything without my past creeping up and smothering me. Above all else, I just want to forget about my past and live my present. Why is that so f**king hard?”
She hadn’t been able to hold in the tears. God, she hated that. But they came to her anyway, and she buried her head into her hands, trying to force them to stop.
Chyna sighed, and Lexi felt the couch dip in when Chyna sat down next to her. She rubbed Lexi’s back, and they let her tears run their course.
“I think the problem isn’t that you can’t forget your past. It’s that you don’t really want to,” Chyna spoke finally.
“What?” Lexi asked, swiping the back of her hand against her cheek.
“Your past shapes who you are as a person. It’s made you into the person you are today. Jack left his mark on you, and Ramsey left his mark on you. Scars can last forever.”
“I know that it shaped me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t change.”
“Of course you can change,” Chyna said, clearly trying to hold in her usual cattiness. “Everyone can change, and I think you have. I just think that the one thing you haven’t changed is running from the things you want. It’s like you think you’re not good enough, like you don’t deserve the world and more—but you do.”