I’m sorry for that too.
* * *
“Fuck,” I curse, fighting the stinging sensation pushing at the backs of my eyes.
I have no idea what I said to her, but it must have been ugly.
And a lie.
I don’t really think Sam is selfish. Until a few months ago, she was always there when I needed to talk, even if it was three in the morning her time. Surely she has to realize that was the alcohol and the hurt talking last night, not what I really think or feel.
I turn back to the letter, hoping the second half of it will offer some hope.
* * *
After tonight, I realize you’re right. I’m choosing the wrong road, and if I stayed here, I would be ruining two lives. I refuse to do that to you. I truly love you more than anything else in the world, and to prove it, I’m going back to L.A. to do the right thing.
All I ask is that you don’t follow me. This is something I should do alone. It’s going to be hard enough without you there in the courtroom watching. I know you’re going to find out what happened sooner or later, but I’d rather you not have to see me testify.
Know that I love you and that I hope this isn’t the end for us. I want us to find our way back to each other, but it isn’t fair to ask you to pull me out of this dark place. I have to find my way out on my own.
I’ve booked your flight back to Maui for three days from now. If you want to leave sooner, just catch the bus to the airport and talk to the booking agent. Once again, I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.
All my love forever,
Sam
* * *
I curse again and throw the letter into the center of the room before wrenching open the door and half falling down the stairs.
The world is still tilting unsteadily on its axis, but I can’t stop to be sick. I have to catch Sam before she leaves the parking lot. Maybe she only left a few minutes ago. Maybe she’s still checking out or loading her backpack into the trunk.
I have to catch her; I can’t be too late.
But when I reach the parking lot, the little red car is gone, and when I trudge up the stairs to the main lodge, the man at the desk says Sam checked out last night.
“She paid the bill and left a one-hundred dollar credit,” the older man with the pink cheeks and wide smile says cheerfully. “That’s enough for another night at the reduced rate. Would you like to stay with us tonight Mr. Cooney?”
I shake my head. “No thanks, I have to get to Auckland. My girlfriend said there was a bus?”
The cheerful man nods vigorously as he pulls a blue schedule from behind the counter. “There is. It leaves from the post office downtown, every morning but Sunday. You’ve missed today, but I can call and get you booked for tomorrow.”
I bite my lip, fighting the urge to curse. “Is there any way to get there sooner? A cab or something? Or maybe I could rent another car from some place in town?”
The man’s brows draw together. “A taxi wouldn’t take you all the way to Auckland, but I might be able to book a rental car. Would you like me to make some calls?”
“Yes, please,” I say, nervously tapping my fingers on the desk.
“Why don’t you grab a cup of coffee and come back in a few,” Cheerful Man says with a pointed, but cheerful, look at my fingers. “I should know a bit more then.”
I nod and make my way to the restaurant, where I order toast and coffee to go and try not to look at the table where I ate with Sam the other night, or think about how we made love after. Even then, when we seemed to be getting back in sync, things weren’t the same. I should have known she was dealing with something heavy. And I should have held my shit together last night instead of running away into a bottle like a fucking coward.
I don’t care what she said, I’m getting my flight destination changed. I’m going to L.A. and I’m going to find her and apologize in person. And then I’m going to stand by her the way I promised I would.
I return to the front desk and sip my coffee, so preoccupied I don’t realize Cheerful Man is calling for me until he says my name loud enough to make me jump.
“Mr. Cooney!” I glance up and he motions for me to come behind the desk. “There’s an urgent call for you. Your brother-in-law. I told him to stay on the line and I’d find you instead of putting the call through to the messaging service.”