The downhill walk to the beach was a gentle one, the last few hundred meters on level ground. Getting back up the hill toward the house might be another story, but she decided to tackle that when it was time. A bit of an example of how she lived everything in her life right now, she realized.
A brisk breeze blew along the beach, so there weren’t too many people about. Just a few hardy souls like themselves, wrapped in light jackets and enjoying the fresh air.
“I forgot how good it feels to be out on the beach,” Xander commented as they strolled slowly along, arm in arm. “Although I miss running along here like I used to.”
His eyes were wistful as he watched a guy power along the beach with long graceful strides, his leashed dog running right alongside him, tongue lolling in its mouth.
“You’ll get that back, I’m sure,” Olivia said with a squeeze of his arm.
“We should get a dog,” Xander said, his eyes on the retreating figure of the runner. “In fact, didn’t we have a dog?”
Olivia felt a chill go through her that had nothing to do with the wind that tugged like a mischievous child at her hair. And here it was, the moment she’d been dreading. Having to tell him the truth, or at least a part of the truth about a returning memory from the time he’d lost.
She took a deep breath before answering. “Yes, we did have a dog.”
“Bozo?”
“You weren’t too impressed with the name, but that’s what he came home from the pound with.”
A smile spread across Xander’s handsome face, and his gray eyes glinted with satisfaction. “I remember him. But what happened? He was young, wasn’t he?”
Yes, he was young. Only a year older than their son had been when they’d both been hit by the speeding driver.
“Yeah, he was just a puppy when I brought him home. He was only four when he died.”
She held her breath, fearfully wondering if he would press her for more details and praying that he wouldn’t at the same time. Her prayers were answered.
“We should get another dog. It’ll be good for me, get me out of the house to exercise regularly—and you, too,” he said with a wink as he hugged her in close to his body. “I know you—when you’re working on your paintings nothing else exists, right? You neglect yourself when you’re working.”
Olivia swallowed against the lump in her throat. She’d been working the day Parker had died. She’d sent him out of the studio because he was playing havoc with her concentration. If she’d only allowed him to play around her, he would still be alive today.
She’d found it hard to get beyond that guilt. In fact, she doubted she ever would completely. Logically she knew it was a combination of events that led to tragedy that day, and that no single action was at fault, but it didn’t stop her wondering how things could have been different.
“Speaking of neglecting yourself. How are you doing? Not too tired? Maybe we should head back,” she said, turning the subject back to Xander. It was far easier than allowing the focus to be on her.
When Xander agreed to turn back she was surprised. It wasn’t like him to concede anything—and it worried her. Back at the house she went to make them coffee while he rested in the hammock on the patio. When she came out again, he was asleep. He’d pushed himself too hard on the sand, she thought as she settled down at the table and watched him. He was still a little pale, but his cheekbones were less prominent than they’d been when he’d come home from the hospital, his shoulders a little heavier.
Slowly, he was gaining weight and condition again, but he still had a long way to go. The body’s ability to heal never failed to amaze her. It was his mind that remained an unknown. The sense that she was living on borrowed time bore down on her. She just knew she’d have to find a way to tell him the truth soon.
* * *
It was the small hours of the next morning when Olivia woke in her bed with a sense that something was very wrong. She reached out for Xander and only felt the space where he should have been sleeping. In the gloom, she could see their bedroom door was open. She quickly got up from the bed and flew to the door. She could hear Xander, his voice indistinct as he muttered something over and over again.
Where was he? She followed the sound, feeling her heart pound in her chest as she realized he was in the bedroom that had been Parker’s. What had driven him there? At the doorway she hesitated, wondering what she should do. Turn on the light? Wake Xander? But if she did that, it might leave him asking questions she had no wish to answer right now.
Cautiously she stepped into the room.
“Xander?” she said softly and placed a hand on his arm.