‘Yes, Master Sergeant!’ shouted the moustached idiot.
Pores stamped up to the man, whose grin suddenly wavered. ‘In the Malazan Army,’ he said, ‘old names are tossed. They were bad names anyway, every one of them. You, you are now Twit, and you’re my first squad leader.’
‘Yes, Master Sergeant! Thank you, Master Sergeant!’
‘Now,’ Pores continued, hands behind his back as he began strolling up and down the row, ‘two days to turn you earwigs into soldiers-even for me-is simply impossible. No, what I need to do is attach you to a real squad, and I have the perfect squad in mind.’ And then he halted and wheeled to face them. ‘But first, we’re all going to march to the privy, where each and every one of you is going to-in perfect unison as befits soldiers-shove a finger down your throat and vomit into the trough. And then we’re going to collect uniforms from the quartermaster, and your training kits. Now, Sergeant Twit, fall ’em in behind you and follow me.’
‘Yes, Master Sergeant! We’re off to war!’
And the others cheered.
The cookfires were coal-bedded and simmering pots hung over them by the time Master Sergeant Pores led his sickly, gasping crew up to the squad tents of the 3rd Company. ‘Third Company Sergeants!’ he bellowed. ‘Front and forward this instant!’
Watched by a score of faces half-lit by firelight, Badan Gruk, Sinter, and Primly slowly converged to stand in front of Pores.
‘I am Master Sergeant Pores and this-’
‘Thought you was Captain Kindly,’ said Sinter.
‘No, that would be my twin, who sadly drowned in a bucket of his own puke yesterday. Interrupt me again, Sergeant, and I’ve got a whole trough of puke waiting just for you.’
Badan Gruk grunted. ‘But I thought he was Lieutenant Pores-’
br />
‘Yes, Master Sergeant!’ shouted the moustached idiot.
Pores stamped up to the man, whose grin suddenly wavered. ‘In the Malazan Army,’ he said, ‘old names are tossed. They were bad names anyway, every one of them. You, you are now Twit, and you’re my first squad leader.’
‘Yes, Master Sergeant! Thank you, Master Sergeant!’
‘Now,’ Pores continued, hands behind his back as he began strolling up and down the row, ‘two days to turn you earwigs into soldiers-even for me-is simply impossible. No, what I need to do is attach you to a real squad, and I have the perfect squad in mind.’ And then he halted and wheeled to face them. ‘But first, we’re all going to march to the privy, where each and every one of you is going to-in perfect unison as befits soldiers-shove a finger down your throat and vomit into the trough. And then we’re going to collect uniforms from the quartermaster, and your training kits. Now, Sergeant Twit, fall ’em in behind you and follow me.’
‘Yes, Master Sergeant! We’re off to war!’
And the others cheered.
The cookfires were coal-bedded and simmering pots hung over them by the time Master Sergeant Pores led his sickly, gasping crew up to the squad tents of the 3rd Company. ‘Third Company Sergeants!’ he bellowed. ‘Front and forward this instant!’
Watched by a score of faces half-lit by firelight, Badan Gruk, Sinter, and Primly slowly converged to stand in front of Pores.
‘I am Master Sergeant Pores and this-’
‘Thought you was Captain Kindly,’ said Sinter.
‘No, that would be my twin, who sadly drowned in a bucket of his own puke yesterday. Interrupt me again, Sergeant, and I’ve got a whole trough of puke waiting just for you.’
Badan Gruk grunted. ‘But I thought he was Lieutenant Pores-’
Pores scowled at him. ‘My other twin, now detached from the Bonehunters and serving as bodyguard and consort to Queen Frapalava of the Kidgestool Empire. Now, enough yabbering. As you can see behind me, we have new recruits who need to be ready to march in two days-’
‘March where, Master Sergeant?’
Pores sighed. ‘Why, with the rest of us, Sergeant Sinter. In fact, right beside your three squads, as they are now your responsibilities.’ He turned and gestured at his row. Two recruits stepped out on cue. ‘Acting Sergeants Twit and Nose Stream.’ He gestured again and two more emerged. ‘Acting Corporals Rumjugs and Sweetlard-I suggest Corporal Kisswhere take them under her personal care. Now, you will note that they’ve brought tents. Unfortunately, none of the recruits know how to put them up. Get them to it. Any questions? Good. Dismissed.’
A short time later, Pores sighted one of the newer tents in the camp and, after eyeing the three soldiers squatting round the nearest cookfire, he drew himself up and marched up to them.
‘Soldiers-at ease. Is there a partition at the back of that tent? I thought so.’
‘Sergeant Urb’s commandeered that bit, Lieutenant-’
‘Commendable. Alas, my friends-and I know this is miserable news-but Captain Kindly is now requisitioning it on my behalf. I argued against it-I mean, the injustice of such a thing, but, well, you all know about Captain Kindly, don’t you?’ And he was pleased to see the sullen nods. Pores patted a satchel at his hip. ‘Supply lists-I need somewhere private, and now that the HQ’s been shut down, well, you’re to provide me with my office. But listen, friends-and be sure to tell this to Sergeant Urb-since I’m working on supplies, materiel and-did I mention? — foodstuffs for the officers, which of course includes wines of passing vintage-well, even one as perfect as me can’t help but lose a crate or two from the inventory.’ And see how they smiled.
‘All yours, Lieutenant.’
‘Excellent. Now, be sure not to disturb me.’
‘Aye, Lieutenant.’
Pores made his way in, stepping over the bedrolls and kits, and through the curtain where he found a decent camp cot, clean blankets and a well-maintained pillow. Kicking his boots off, he settled down on the cot, turned the lantern down, and drew out from his satchel the first of the five flasks he’d confiscated from his recruits.
One could learn a lot about a man or woman by their alcohol or drug of choice. Time to look more closely at the Bonehunters’ latest members, maybe work up something like a profile of their gumption. He tugged loose the first stopper.
‘He made us puke,’ said Rumjugs.
‘He makes all of us do that,’ Kisswhere replied. ‘Now, angle that peg out a bit before your sister starts pounding it.’