‘Running away?’
‘No, a warning.’
‘I shall send Brys.’
‘Poor Brys.’
‘Now, that’s not my fault, is it? Poor Brys, exactly. It’s high time he started earning his title, whatever it is, which at the moment escapes me. It’s that bureaucratic mindset of his that’s so infuriating. He hides in the very obscurity of his office. A faceless peon, dodging this way and that whenever responsibility comes a-knocking at his door. Yes, I’ve had my fill of the man, brother or not-’
‘Sire, you put Brys in charge of the army.’
‘Did I? Of course I did. Let’s see him hide now!’
‘He’s waiting for you in the throne room.’
‘Well, he’s no fool. He knows when he’s cornered.’
‘Rucket is there, too,’ said Bugg, ‘with a petition from the Rat Catchers’ Guild.’
‘A petition? For what, more rats? On your feet, old friend, the time has come to meet our public. This whole kingship thing is a real bother. Spectacles, parades, tens of thousands of adoring subjects-’
‘You’ve not had any spectacles or parades, sire.’
‘And still they adore me.’
Bugg rose and preceded King Tehol across the chamber, through the door, and into the throne room.
The only people awaiting them were Brys, Rucket and Queen Janath. Tehol edged closer to Bugg as they ascended the dais. ‘See Rucket? See the adoration? What did I tell you?’
The King sat down on the throne, smiled at the Queen who was already seated in a matching throne to his left, and then leaned back and stretched out his legs-
‘Don’t do that, brother,’ advised Brys. ‘The view from here…’
Tehol straightened. ‘Oops, most royally.’
‘About that,’ said Rucket.
‘I see with relief that you’ve shed countless stones of weight, Rucket. Most becoming. About what?’
br />
‘Running away?’
‘No, a warning.’
‘I shall send Brys.’
‘Poor Brys.’
‘Now, that’s not my fault, is it? Poor Brys, exactly. It’s high time he started earning his title, whatever it is, which at the moment escapes me. It’s that bureaucratic mindset of his that’s so infuriating. He hides in the very obscurity of his office. A faceless peon, dodging this way and that whenever responsibility comes a-knocking at his door. Yes, I’ve had my fill of the man, brother or not-’
‘Sire, you put Brys in charge of the army.’
‘Did I? Of course I did. Let’s see him hide now!’
‘He’s waiting for you in the throne room.’
‘Well, he’s no fool. He knows when he’s cornered.’
‘Rucket is there, too,’ said Bugg, ‘with a petition from the Rat Catchers’ Guild.’
‘A petition? For what, more rats? On your feet, old friend, the time has come to meet our public. This whole kingship thing is a real bother. Spectacles, parades, tens of thousands of adoring subjects-’
‘You’ve not had any spectacles or parades, sire.’
‘And still they adore me.’
Bugg rose and preceded King Tehol across the chamber, through the door, and into the throne room.
The only people awaiting them were Brys, Rucket and Queen Janath. Tehol edged closer to Bugg as they ascended the dais. ‘See Rucket? See the adoration? What did I tell you?’
The King sat down on the throne, smiled at the Queen who was already seated in a matching throne to his left, and then leaned back and stretched out his legs-
‘Don’t do that, brother,’ advised Brys. ‘The view from here…’
Tehol straightened. ‘Oops, most royally.’
‘About that,’ said Rucket.
‘I see with relief that you’ve shed countless stones of weight, Rucket. Most becoming. About what?’
‘That adoration bit you whispered to Bugg.’
‘I thought you had a petition?’
‘I want to sleep with you. I want you to cheat on your wife, Tehol. With me.’
‘That’s your petition?’
‘What’s wrong with it?’
Queen Janath spoke. ‘It can’t be cheating. Cheating would be behind my back. Deceit, deception, betrayal. I happen to be sitting right here, Rucket.’
‘Precisely,’ Rucket replied, ‘let’s do without such grim details. Free love for all,’ and she smiled up at Tehol. ‘Specifically, you and me, sire. Well, not entirely free, since I expect you to buy me dinner.’
‘I can’t,’ said Tehol. ‘Nobody wants my money any more, now that I actually have some, and isn’t that always the way? Besides, a public dalliance by the King? What sort of example would that set?’
‘You wear a blanket,’ Rucket pointed out. ‘What kind of example is that?’
‘Why, one of airy aplomb.’
Her brows lifted. ‘Most would view your aired aplomb with horror, sire. But not,’ she added with a winning smile, ‘me.’
‘Gods below,’ Janath sighed, rubbing at her brow.
‘What sort of petition is this?’ Tehol demanded. ‘You’re not here representing the Rat Catchers’ Guild at all, are you?’
‘Actually, I am. To further cement our ties. As everyone knows, sex is the glue that holds society together, so I figured-’
‘Sex? Glue?’ Tehol sat forward. ‘Now I’m intrigued. But let’s put that aside for the moment. Bugg, prepare a proclamation. The King shall have sex with every powerful woman in the city, assuming she can be definitively determined to actually be a woman-we’ll need to devise some sort of gauge, get the Royal Engineers on it.’
‘Why stop with powerful women?’ Janath asked her husband. ‘Don’t forget the power that exists in a household, after all. And what about a similar proclamation for the Queen?’
Bugg said, ‘There was a tribe once where the chief and his wife had the privilege of bedding imminent brides and grooms the night before the marriage.’
‘Really?’
‘No, sire,’ admitted Bugg, ‘I just made that up.’
‘I can write it into our histories if you like,’ said Janath in barely concealed excitement.
Tehol made a face. ‘My wife becomes unseemly.’
‘Just tossing my coin into this treasure trove of sordid idiocy, beloved. Rucket, you and I need to sit down and have a little talk.’