His eyes stayed on mine for a long time, his gaze so still it was like a frozen lake. There was a gleam of rage in his eyes, but it slowly simmered to calmness. For just a moment, he looked like the man I once loved. “I don’t hate you, Sofia.”
“It seems like it.”
“I can never hate you. Ever.”
I heard his words, but they felt like a contradiction to his behavior. I would just have to settle for the confession and believe his honesty. My hand rubbed over my stomach, and I felt a little more at ease. “How are you?”
Just as before, his eyes flicked back to the window. “I don’t want to have this conversation.”
“Then what kind of conversation can we have?”
After a long stretch of silence, he shook his head. “How’s Andrew?”
“He kicks me all night long, makes me use the bathroom every ten minutes, makes me so hungry I have to eat a million calories a day…so I’m pretty sure he’s an asshole like you.”
Finally, a slight smile formed on his lips. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. I’m sure he’ll inherit some of your better traits.”
“I don’t have better traits.”
“You do…I just haven’t seen them lately.”
His eyes switched back to me, and he stared at me endlessly. It was still hard to tell how he felt toward me. It seemed like he hated me but cared for me at the same time. But it didn’t feel like he loved me anymore. That was a thing of the past.
The doctor came in a moment later and performed a sonogram of my stomach. The heartbeat was loud and strong, and Andrew was nearly fully developed. His head was so distinct, along with his fingers and toes. The doctor said the words every mother wanted to hear. “You have a very healthy baby boy. Now, all we have to do is wait for him to arrive.”
Hades stood at my side and stared at the monitor with a stoic expression. He didn’t seem to feel anything—at least, it seemed that way on the surface. But his eyes were glued to the screen like he didn’t want to look at anything else ever again. Slowly, his eyes softened as he looked at our son.
The doctor excused himself and gave us privacy.
Hades didn’t stop his stare.
“He’s beautiful…” Tears welled in my eyes because I could see the person I’d been feeling for nine months. I already knew him so well, with every bout of morning sickness and every bit of pressure I felt against my bladder. Andrew was already a part of my life, but now I got to see him be a part of Hades’s life.
Hades breathed a deep sigh. “Yeah, he is.” His hand moved to my stomach, and he placed his outstretched fingers across the bump. He rested his hand there a long time, feeling the life we made together. His eyes shifted from the screen to my stomach, and he placed his other hand there as well, like he was hugging our son with both hands. “Our son…”
Hades drove me home then walked me to the front door. We didn’t say a single word on the drive, and we returned to the awkward silence neither one of us liked to experience. Once Andrew was no longer the topic, the only things we had in common were mutual pain and resentment. We were a divorced couple that couldn’t forgive each other for the wrongs we did to each other.
I unlocked the front door then turned back to him. I didn’t know what to say, but I wanted to say something. I didn’t want him just to leave and we’d return to our broken relationship. I wanted things to be better… I wanted us to be better. “Thank you for coming.”
He slid his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and breathed a quiet sigh. He kept a foot between us, a significant distance filled with resentment and distrust. “I’ll always be here for him.”
That wasn’t the reply I’d hoped for.
He glanced at the door before he pivoted his body to the steps. “Goodnight.”
I didn’t want him to walk away. I didn’t want him to leave us like this, in this perpetual pain. “Hades.”
Instead of walking away and ignoring me, he turned back to me. His eyes were filled with impatience, as if the only thing he wanted to do was to get away from me as quickly as possible.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him, but I knew I wasn’t really angry with him. I just missed him…wished he understood just how much I missed him. I was angry with the world because of what happened to us. I was lonely, heartbroken, and wanted the man I loved. Telling him all of that seemed pointless, so I didn’t know what else to do.