“You rat.” She bit out the words.
His smile dipped and he belatedly noticed the unshed tears glittering in her eyes, the stiff posture and the red blotches of anger high in her cheeks.
He drew his head back. “What’s wrong?”
“Where is my notebook?” she asked in a low growl.
Hell. Matthew closed his eyes as the dread and guilt slammed into him. He was screwed. “Sydney...”
She raised her hand. “Don’t tell me that you don’t know anything about it. I have it on good authority that Doris Brown gave it to you and that it’s in your desk.”
He glanced at the drawer that held the notebook. “I realize this looks bad, but I was going to give it back to you.”
“When? After you tried out every fantasy I wrote down?” Sydney placed her fists on her hips. “You used that notebook as a shortcut to get into my bed.”
“That’s not what happened. I was—”
Sydney strode to the other side of his desk. “Give me the truth. Did you read my notebook?”
“Yes. I know I shouldn’t have but I wanted to know what people were saying about me.” He paused and shook his head. “No, that’s not the whole truth. I wanted to know what you thought about me.”
“You had plenty of opportunity to tell me that you had the notebook.”
Matthew caught and held her gaze. “And you had plenty of chances to confess what you wrote about me.”
Sydney’s mouth parted. “Excuse me?”
“I mentioned that people were treating me as if I had done something scandalous,” Matthew reminded her. “I hoped you would admit that you wrote something about me that could damage my attempts to rehabilitate my image.” He took a deep breath. “Okay, that was a cop-out. I waited for you to mention it first because I was afraid. I wasn’t sure how you would react if you knew I had the notebook and I wanted to be with you too much to risk it.”
She crossed her arms. “I didn’t name you.”
“You didn’t have to. It was clear who you were talking about.”
Sydney glared at him. “Don’t switch this around. You should have given me the notebook the minute it was in your hands.”
“I agree. But you were already avoiding me. If you knew I had your notebook, you wouldn’t have given me another chance.”
“I gave you a chance because I trusted you. I honestly thought you wouldn’t play games with me.”
“You trusted me because you thought I was a farmer from a hick town. I wasn’t as smart and sophisticated as the men you dated in the past.”
“What?” Sydney stared at him and spread her arms out wide. “What are you talking about? When have I treated you like that?”
Matthew paused. He’d figured that Sydney had trusted him because he had no power over someone as sophisticated as her. But she hadn’t acted as if he was beneath her. Sydney had treated him with respect. It had all been in his head. He was the one who’d believed he had nothing to offer her. And when he’d read the notebook, all of his insecurities had magnified.
She held out her hand. “Please give me my notebook.”
He hesitated. “Sydney, I acted out your fantasies because I wanted to give you pleasure. I wanted to be the one who gave you what you longed for, but I knew you wouldn’t tell me what your fantasies were.”
“I’m not listening anymore.”
He took a deep breath. He had to make her listen. He had to make this right. “When I read what you had written, I was so damn thrilled that you felt the same way about me as I felt about you. But I was nervous, too. Intimidated.”
She dropped her hand. “About what?”
“I was worried that I couldn’t meet your expectations. That I would ruin your fantasies.”
“That’s crazy. You have no reason for concern. And if you were so worried, you would have followed the fantasies step-by-step. You improvised. You took the fantasies to the next level.”
“They weren’t just your fantasies,” he said quietly. “They were mine.”
“Then why do I feel like I’m the one who has been exposed?” Sydney said as she flattened her hand against her chest. “I’m the vulnerable one.”
“Because you weren’t ready to share how you felt. But that’s not like you, Sydney. You go after what you want, but you didn’t go after me.”
“I explained to you what I just went through with my ex. You know why I’ve been holding back.”
“But that’s not the whole reason.” He finally understood it. Now, when it was too late. “You didn’t share your fantasies with me because you didn’t really trust me. Did you think I would deny you? Or did you think I would ruin your fantasy?”