Would that be her fate, too, if she weakened in this minute? Was her choice to smash her heart into pieces now or wait for it to fall apart piece by piece over years?
“I never wanted you to marry me, Dmitri. I would have settled for...” Her words seemed to dissolve on her lips when he pinned her with his gaze.
Because then, she could hope for a better future than the one he had so thoroughly mapped out for her. Because then, she had foolishly thought, she would make herself worthy of him, that she would somehow make him proud of her.
A stillness seemed to creep up into his face while his gaze, that gaze that had never been able to lie to her, burned with a ferocity that he had kept leashed until now. “I offered marriage because you deserve better, Jas.”
Her throat was so thick with ache that she thought she might be sick.
God, if he talked about her one more time as if she were something to be cosseted and protected, she was going to scream. And then crumple into a heap. “Have you offered marriage to every woman you have ever slept with? Or is it a special offer reserved for virgins?”
“Theos, you’re different from the numerous other women I screwed. There, is that enough?”
“How? How am I different?”
“You’re Andrew’s sister.” Jas wanted to cover her ears and scream. “And you’re the most annoyingly stubborn woman I’ve ever met.”
Before she knew, he was clasping her to him and plundering her mouth with his.
It was a kiss meant to possess, to captivate, to lay claim. And still, Jas lost herself to it. Lost herself in the erotic strokes of his wicked tongue, lost herself in the heat he so easily stroked into life, lost herself in the hard body.
Lost herself in the man who promised her so much except the one thing she really needed.
One hand cupped her breast reverently while the other pulled her snug against him to feel his rigid shaft. Her breath left her in a soft flutter, tears she couldn’t fight anymore spilling onto her cheeks.
“I promise you, Jas, I have never known anything like this fire between us... You would walk away from this?”
She caressed his jaw with her mouth, breathing in the scent of him. “I have to.”
How could something that felt so good eventually turn out to be bad for her? Her body, pulsing with need, seemed to find it impossible to grasp.
Steeling her spine, she pushed away from him for the last time. “I can’t marry you, Dmitri. I have barely found myself after years of living buried under others’ mistakes, others’ addictions. I can’t do that to myself again.” Not even for you.
“I’m promising you a life that will lack for nothing. How is it not—”
“But this is about guilt, your guilt. I’m your project for all the things you failed at. For not being able to save your mother all those years ago, for your supposed failure with Andrew, for not saving me from my tasteless past soon enough.
“All of this—” her voice broke, a deluge of tears knocking at her eyes “—is only because you want to feel better about yourself.”
“I know how you feel about me.” His control slipped then, his anger spewing into his words. As if she was the one hurting him, as if somehow this was all her fault. As if she had somehow damaged him. “I know what that night meant to you. How does it matter when I’m offering everything I can of myself?”
Was this how it felt when one’s heart broke? Did the world keep on turning? “It’s because I feel so much that I can’t accept this. I can’t let my love for you break me, Dmitri.
“Because I do love you. I love you so much that there’s this voice inside that’s screaming that I’m stupid to walk away from this, that I should grab it with both hands. That I should take what little I can get of you.” She grabbed her head, as if she could silence it. “And it won’t stop. I don’t think it will ever stop.”
“Then, listen to it. For once, thee mou, do what is good for you. Don’t walk away, Jas.”
Grasping the door handle, Jas looked at him. The thing that hurt the most was that he didn’t understand. He didn’t see how painful it was for her to walk away, how hard it would be for her to accept the little he gave of himself when she wanted everything.
When he walked toward her, she shook her head. “No. Don’t touch me and don’t come to my room. Don’t...do anything more for me, Dmitri, please.”
CHAPTER TWELVE