I don’t know where this fucking day went wrong. How do you wake up beside the girl of your dreams and end it with her leaving because you told her to?
Because I’m me. That’s how.
Maybe someday she’ll get it. Maybe she’ll understand I did her a huge favor. Maybe she’ll see when she finally falls in love with someone else that life can be good for her. She can look at me then and realize she deserved better than a guy who fails at everything he touches, who risks everything he has at the drop of a hat.
As much as I don’t want to admit it, Kip was right. If I would’ve lost my head today, I would’ve lost everything.
Planting both hands on the cooler, I hang my head. The music starts up again, and I just wish for it to stop. I wish all these people would go home and someone would lock the door behind them so I could sit here and drown everything out.
Navie’s hand rests on the small of my back. “I’m really kind of worried about you, boss.”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay. Good. Glad to hear it. Hadley just came in, so maybe that will help.”
I shove off the cooler and jerk my attention to the door.
There she is.
In a green shirt with sleeves that come down to her elbows and jeans that shows off her ass, she watches me blank-faced. It’s a blow that hits in the center of my chest.
She doesn’t look away like she usually does when she doesn’t want me to see what she’s thinking. She doesn’t smile or laugh or even glare. I’d take any of those three things right now.
I take a step toward her. This makes her look away. She says something to Emily that makes her friend laugh, and they head to a table on the opposite wall of the bar.
Swallowing takes more energy than it should. Breathing is a little more complicated. Ensuring I don’t run over there and tell her I’m fucking sorry as shit takes everything I have.
“Want me to get that?” Navie asks. Her bright blue eyes shine with a look that reads there’s a problem, and she’s correctly identified me as the cause.
I take an order, dole out two beers, and give the customer change without looking away from Hadley. Her shoulders are tight, her smile practiced, and her attention pointedly not even coming close to me.
Puke bubbles in my stomach, the taste bitter and disgusting. My voice is so loud inside my head, screaming at me to do something, that I can’t do anything at all but wince and watch.
Navie comes back and takes a beer and a bottle of water from the cooler. “Hadley ordered water,” she says.
A faint smile graces my lips. I wish I could look at her and grin, tease her a little, but that’s over with.
“How is she?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” she says, grabbing a fresh order pad from the stack by the register. “Why don’t you ask her yourself.”
I glare at her.
“Why do you do this, Mach? The girl loves you.”
“You want to know why?” I growl, leaning toward her. “Because I love her.”
Navie’s eyes go wide. Whatever she was expecting, it wasn’t that. I can’t blame her because I didn’t expect it either. That doesn’t make it any less true.
“You said you love her,” Navie points out. “Mach.”
“What?”
“You said you love her.”
“So?”
“Guys don’t say that without it being big!”
“What’s big?” Peck sits at the bar, smacking his hands off the top. “I mean, I know something that’s big …”
Navie laughs. “Oh, do tell me more.”
I grab a beer and slide it to Peck. “Here. Be quiet.”
“Oh, it’s one of those nights,” Peck groans. “I’ll be over there if you need me, and by there, I mean anywhere but near him.” He winks at Navie and takes off through the crowd.
“I have these little fantasies,” Navie says, “that Peck says he loves me in the throes of passion.”
“I … That’s … Great,” I say.
She laughs. “I wonder if he is big?”
“I don’t fucking know. I …” I spin around to face her. “We can overstep this boss slash employee relationship if you want. That’s cool. We can be friends, but we aren’t gonna be those friends, all right? I’m not the one to talk about cock sizes. I. Am. Not. The. One.”
She laughs harder. “Okay. Fine.”
Tuning her out, I look to the side. Hadley still isn’t looking at me. She’s seemingly engrossed in something Emily is saying while Peck stands next to their table.
I wonder how much she’s thought about what Spencer said. I wonder if she believes even an inkling of what she heard.
I can’t go the rest of my life and have people whispering things to her about me. Eroding that look in her eyes like I hung the moon. Tearing away the faith she has in me. Destroying the bond we have that keeps us linked despite everything else.