“Why not?”
“Because I said.”
He lifted me up and I tried to walk, although it was hard. He led me into the bathroom, from wool carpet onto cool, smooth tile. He propped me against his body and then he took off the leather mask. I flinched as I stared at the two of us in the mirror.
He looked beautiful, stern and tall and sexy, but I looked like hell. My hair was a wreck and my makeup was smeared by drool and tears. My face was crisscrossed with the marks from the gear straps. My dress was nothing but a scrap of fabric down to my waist, with my nipples sticking out. When I tried to look away, he turned my head back.
“Look at yourself,” he said. “Look at what you do for me.” He rested his cheek against mine, and reached to trace the collar with his fingertips. “You’re so beautiful.”
I felt like a failure, because I couldn’t see the beauty. I couldn’t see beauty in anything but him, with his striking features and his muscular physique. And the collar…the collar was beautiful. I was seeing it for the first time, since I’d been blindfolded when he first put it on.
I’d imagined something black and shiny, but it was weathered brown leather, the same tawny brown color as my eyes. I’d imagined lots of metal but there was only the buckle and one single O-ring. So classic and simple, considering all the complex feelings it gave me.
He finally let me turn away from the mirror. I buried my head against his neck but he made me look up at him. I felt crusty and dirty, and whorish in my adulterated dress. He kissed my forehead and my eyes and my neck, and then he released me so he could turn on the shower. He kept hold of one of my hands, like I might run away. Maybe I would have.
“Let’s take the collar off,” he said. “Had you ever worn one before?”
I didn’t know how to answer. Yes, I’d worn them as part of silly sex games, for clients. No, I’d never worn one the way I had today.
“I’ve worn collars a few times,” I said quietly. “But…not like…” I reached for it as he drew it away.
“Do you want to keep it?” he asked.
I blinked at him. “Aren’t we going to use it again?”
He shrugged. “We might. I don’t know. I guess I’ll keep it.”
When we got into the shower, he nudged me under the water first. He watched as I wet my hair, stared as my eyes closed and stared as my eyes opened. His gaze was so intense. He took me in his arms and kissed me, a long, slow kiss unlike any he’d ever given me. I tried not to fall in love. He wasn’t making it easy for me. After a marathon make-out session under the cascading water, we got out and dried off, and wrapped up in the hotel robes.
I knew it was time for him to go, but I didn’t want him to go. I wished he would order food, like last time. I wanted to sit and eat together, and talk like friends, but instead he got dressed and started re-packing the kinky gear into his briefcase. Cuffs, rope, clamps, gag, mask, the beautiful collar. I stared out the window while he moved around the room, because I didn’t want him to leave. When I heard him zip his bag, I turned.
“I’m staying at the apartment now,” I told him. “It’s so beautiful.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
“Simon and I are finished.” He hadn’t asked, and he probably didn’t want to know, but it seemed important to tell him. “We’ve broken up for good. It’s a really good thing, and you helped me make that decision. So thanks.”
He looked uncomfortable. “It would have happened eventually anyway.”
“I guess.”
I knew, I knew he didn’t want me to say any more, but now that I’d started talking, I couldn’t seem to stop all my self-congratulatory bullshit from spilling out. “I’ve been looking into schools. You know, degree programs. I’m going to stop escorting soon, in the next few months, I hope, and go back to school. I’m thinking about a design career, or fashion. Something creative.”
“Hmm.”
“I know I can do it. There are plenty of scholarships out there, and I have money saved up. But I could keep seeing you as long as you liked. I mean, I guess I could. I don’t think Henry would have a problem with it.”
His eyes were so blue when he stared at me. So magnificently blue.
“But even if he did…I don’t know. I wouldn’t charge you. I don’t think he can complain if you and I… I mean… If we were just having sex together, not for money.”
I pulled my robe tighter around me. W tilted his head.