My love was no lie, and I had to make him trust me. And somehow, too, I had to let go of my own fears and trust him.
I crawled out of bed and went to the kitchen. I needed some juice and a sandwich, and chocolate to fortify me. I had to make plans. Andrew followed me and watched in consternation as I tore into a bag of chocolate chips, since I didn’t have any other chocolate in the house.
“I think he chooses not to do relationships for a reason,” he said, leaning on the counter. “Think about what he’s into, Chere.”
“He’s into the same stuff Craig is into. He’s a Dominant and a sadist.”
“But Craig takes care of me. Price, on the other hand, takes what he wants whether you want it or not. He’s very…controlling.”
“I like being controlled.”
He waved a hand at my cellophane package of chocolate chips. “What if he decides he doesn’t want you to have any more chocolate? Ever? Dominance seems oh, so sexy, until he says, ‘Oh, by the way, you’re never eating chocolate again.’”
I froze with a mouth full of chips. “He wouldn’t say that.”
“He might say it. Or he might decide you only get chocolate twice a year. Or he might decide you only get chocolate if you let three of his Dom friends stick their huge dicks in you at the same time.”
I stopped scarfing the chocolate and wondered if Price had a stable of Dom friends. “You know, that would actually be hot.”
“It’s a hot fantasy,” he said. “But you need to think about realities, because if you draw him into a more serious relationship, you’re going to be dealing with his controlling shit all the time. Sometimes it might be wonderful and fun, but other times it might be awful and depressing.”
“Kind of like my life now?”
“Chere.” Andrew refused my proffered handful of chocolate chips. “Listen to me. Really listen. You’ve just graduated, you’re feeling pressure about a job, you ran into Simon again, Price just deserted you for the second freaking time—”
“Because I blew up at him and said a bunch of shit I didn’t mean.” I put the chocolate chips away and rooted through the refrigerator for something healthier.
“Are you sure you didn’t mean it?” asked Andrew. “A few weeks ago, a few months ago, you doubted everything. You’ve always had doubts about him, and he’s always had doubts about you. He had so many doubts, he left you twice.”
“Fine. Yes, he left me twice. You keep saying that. I know, Andrew. Do you want a sandwich?”
He shook his head. I made a sandwich for myself and then followed him over to the couch. He picked up right where he’d left off.
“I’m just saying that we feel things for a reason,” he said. “We feel anxiety and fear for a reason.”
“I’m not afraid of him.”
“Maybe you should be!”
“He cares about me,” I insisted, mostly in an effort to convince myself. “And kink-wise, I don’t know anything that could hurt as much as the way I feel right now. I miss him.”
A bite of sandwich stuck in my throat as emotion overwhelmed me. “What if he was the one, Andrew? What if he was my happily ever after? If I don’t go to him—” I blinked through gathering tears. “If I don’t go to him, if I don’t give this craziness between us a chance, I’ll never know.”
Andrew took my sandwich and put it on the table, and pulled me into his arms. “Oh, Chere. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what’s right.”
“I wish he was like Craig. I wish this was easy and civilized, and that I didn’t have all these feelings.”
“I know. It sucks.”
“I don’t know how to let Price go and wait for someone better, when he’s the one who’s still consuming all my thoughts. Since I met him, since the beginning, he’s consumed me.”
“I know, babes. I know.”
“So how do I just give all that up? Ugh, this sucks so bad. It’s so horrible. And now, after the things I said…” I swallowed hard, feeling panic. “He’s blocked me out, my calls and emails. Even if I apologized, I’m not sure he’d take me back. ”
Andrew snorted. “He’d take you back. He’d have you back in a heartbeat, because as much as you think you need him, he needs you more. But Chere, honey.” He made me sit up, and wiped at my tears. “How much are you going to give him? You need to draw a line before you even consider going back. After Simon…you know what I mean? There has to be a line in your mind that you won’t cross. You can’t lose track of yourself again, and wind up stuck in another bad relationship you can’t extricate yourself from.”