Guilt throbbed, urging me to take heed of that distorted sense of loyalty. Thing was, I was having a harder and harder time remembering just what I was supposed to be loyal to.
Mom’s head tilted as she studied my face. Saw the second she came to a conclusion, because her brow lifted in a slow, knowing arch. “You have a good time last night?”
I tried to form a quick lie, but it wouldn’t come fast enough. Not before my mom latched on to something in my expression that sent her mouth curling into satisfaction.
“Ahh, I see,” she said. “Looks like you had a really good time last night.”
How the woman still had the power to send a rush of embarrassment flooding my face, I didn’t know. But there I stood like a twelve-year-old kid who was trying to come up with an excuse for his mom finding his dirty magazine stash under his bed.
“Ma,” I said with a huff of a breath as I set my daughter on her feet. The kid wobbled in those ridiculous shoes.
Shit. I felt guilty for even holding her when I was suddenly belted with a thousand memories from last night.
Rynna.
Fucking Rynna.
Little Thief.
Guessed the woman conquering my body wasn’t all that unexpected. But it was the way she’d taken hostage of my mind that was close to sending me into a tailspin. The way she’d stolen a place for herself inside me. A place I didn’t think it was possible for her to keep.
For years, I’d never been tempted. Had never given in, because I knew what I was living for. The reason for every beat of my heart. My gaze dipped to that reason. To the tiny thing that swayed clumsily in her tutu and those heels, her hands over her head as she attempted a spin she wasn’t even close to being capable of pulling off.
My perfect Tiny Dancer.
“Go get your stuff, Sweet Pea.” My voice was quieted, muted to the point where the only sound was my devotion flooding the room.
“’kay.” Frankie scooted across the room, heels catching on the carpet, the little thing disappearing at the head of the hallway.
I jerked with the soft hand that suddenly landed on my forearm. “Hey,” Mom said. Her voice was the same gentle command as the one she’d raised me with. All the innuendo she’d been teasing me with had vanished. “What’s going on with you, Rex?”
Looking at my boots, I roughed a palm over my mouth, like it might have the power to seal in all the things I was itching to confess. “Nothin’,” I said.
“Don’t nothin’ me. You think I don’t know you? My boy? My son? My kid, who’s worn that same expression since he was seventeen? You think I don’t know when you’re terrified? And that’s something that just about never leaves those eyes, Rex. But today? It’s different, and I know you know it, just as well as I do.”
I forced myself to meet her knowing gaze.
“When are you going to realize you deserve to be happy?” she prodded.
My head shook. “I’m trying, Ma. But I’m terrified of doing something stupid. Making a wrong choice, the way I always do. Of doing something that jeopardizes Frankie.”
“And you finding happiness again threatens that? That just sounds foolish to me. The way I look at it? The happier you are, the happier she’s gonna be.”
Guilt flamed all around me, worry closing my throat. “You think she’s unhappy?”
Her brow creased into the few lines that showed her age. “God, no. Not at all. That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that child adores you. Thinks you walk on water. Thinks you can do no wrong. But there’s gonna come a day when she’s old enough to see the shadows in your eyes. The ones that are chased away just by looking at her. She’s your life, Rex. We all know that. Finding happiness again won’t mean that you love her any less.”
She moved to stand closer to me. She set her hand over my heart. “This? It’s missing something. It’s been for a long, long time. Long before that bitch ever up and left you two. Maybe it’s time you find it. You can’t move forward without moving on.”
Emotion ran my throat. Stinging and burning. I attempted to swallow it down, but the words were scratchy when I released them. “But what if being with her is wrong? What if I fuck up again and chase her away? What if Frankie falls for her?”
What if I do?
Couldn’t even bring myself to state the last because I already knew I was well on my way.
Glee flashed in Mom’s eyes, her grin victorious. “So you’re saying there is a girl?”
“Ma.” Affectionate frustration. She knew exactly how to goad me.
She softened again, her smile going gentle, understanding brimming in the warmth of her eyes. “There are no certainties in this life, Rex. We fail, we win, and we straight up lose. You know that first hand. But what you haven’t accepted is that the only security we have is how we use the moments we’re given. We waste them or embrace them. We cherish them or we let fear taint them. And yeah, some chances are higher risk. Of course they are, and I’m not saying to run out and be reckless. You don’t have to rush in or make any big decisions. You can protect your daughter while you test the waters. But you aren’t ever gonna know unless you try. You just have to decide if this girl’s worth giving her that chance.”