“And better shoes.”
I reach for her wrist, turning her around and dragging her into my arms. She hesitates for a split second, but then she melts against my chest, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me back. I lean in near her ear. I know there are fucking cameras in this room, and this moment is mine, so I murmur quietly, “I’m so sorry, Mia.”
She nods her head against my chest, but doesn’t speak. I take her silence to mean she’s probably all teary again. I hear her sniffling, confirming my suspicions. “I’m gonna ruin your shirt,” she murmurs.
I chuckle, rubbing her back. “That’s all right. I’ve ruined more than a shirt in my time.”
She clings a little harder, sniffling again, and the stab I expected earlier finally reaches me. There’s no drug more addictive than the feeling of Mia needing you, and even though I’m clean now, even though I know this isn’t real, just a sentimental reaction to this moment, I still feel the hit. I know I’m gonna miss her, even if I’m happier without her. I know she’ll think of me sometimes when she looks at Dom, even if she happily raises him with Mateo.
Some people get clean breaks, but we never could have; we’re too messy.
I wish we’d spent our time together better. I wish I’d been less of an asshole. I wish Mateo had left us alone. I wish we had more good memories instead of so many bad ones. More milkshakes and movies, less resentment and fighting. I loved her so fucking much, and I don’t know if I ever showed her. She told me last year she thought I’d died thinking she didn’t love me, and this is the first time I’ve ever understood what that probably felt like.
The longer I hold her, the less focused I am on how everything happened for a reason and the more tempted I am to sink into regret. The past that I thought would be the death of me threatens to suck me back in.
I hate to, but I let go of Mia, moving my hands to her shoulders so I can pull her back. For someone so small and loving, she sure has a black hole of utter destruction inside of her. I always make the mistake of thinking I can bask in her love, but it destroys me every time.
I guess it’s good Mateo’s capable of harnessing her since she can’t harness it herself. Not that he’s someone who should be responsible for more power. He could use Mia to destroy people, if he really wanted to.
I resist the urge to care about this shit. I pull back and take a breath while Mia brushes away tears.
“Well, shit.”
I smirk. “Pretty much.”
“Every time you hug me I fall to pieces,” she states, smiling faintly. “I don’t think we’re allowed to hug anymore.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s against the rules anyway.”
Mia turns back to the counter, bracing her weight on the edge. “I should finish these dishes.”
“Or you could let the maids do it, but sure, whatever.”
She grabs the sponge again like she’s going to ignore my practical advice and wash dishes anyway. It reminds me of when we lived together. It makes me think of another version of life, a life where things had been done differently in some way or other. A life where I stood in the kitchen with her while she cleaned up after dinner, but it wasn’t in this mansion and our son wasn’t in the other room, probably being looked after by a nanny. This isn’t a stolen moment. This life is ours. I played smarter. I beat Mateo. I got Mia. We’re raising our son together. We’ll spend this and every Easter together because we’re a family.
Fuck.
Since she can’t read my thoughts, Mia is not on this track. She’s in the present. So I know she means no harm when she suddenly drops the sponge and spins around, leaning back against the counter and says, “Since we’re breaking the rules tonight, you want to break one more?”
“What did you have in mind?” I ask, tentatively.
“Well… Dom doesn’t have to go to bed for a couple more hours and Mateo and Adrian have some work to do. If you wanted to, we could probably take him to the playroom for a little bit before he has to go to sleep. Totally up to you.”
God, that is tempting.
On one hand, I only have a few days to see my son—ever. I should take advantage of every second that I can see him while I’m here.
On the other, I’m already struggling and I’ve been in this kitchen with her for not quite five minutes. It’s hard to hate her and it’s hard not to. Being around Mia is just hard.
“I really, really wish I could do that, but I need to… I just, I need a breather tonight. I have a relationship I’m trying not to fuck up, and…”