“Yup. Training to become a criminal mastermind. I’ve got my bachelor’s, but I really want that master’s degree.”
Nodding like that makes sense, she tells me, “More pay, better benefits. I approve of this decision. When you become a crime lord, I want a job. That sounds really exciting.”
Rolling my eyes, I tell her, “It’s not as exciting as you might think.”
Taking a seat in the chair I had pulled out for myself, this girl grabs my beer and takes a swig. “If you’re a criminal, you can tell me. As long as you promise not to rob me or Gus, I honestly don’t even care. Not my business, you know?” Barely missing a beat, she puts down my beer and asks excitedly, “Can you crack other locks? Can you crack safes? What about, like, briefcases? Have you ever handled a briefcase full of money? Is that only a thing they do in the movies?”
Glancing at the beer I’m not gonna drink now, I ask, “What was that advice you needed? I’m kind of in the middle of something.”
“Oh, right.” She shakes her head, pulling her phone out of her pocket and tapping the screen. “I got all swept up in the excitement of your life, I totally forgot.”
“My life is not exciting.”
“So, ever since you broke into my house—”
“That is not an accurate summary of what happened,” I point out, approaching the table and pulling out a second chair, since she stole mine.
“Whatever, ever since you picked my lock—is that better?”
“That just sounds dirty.”
New Girl sighs, like I’m a real hassle to put up with. I can’t help smiling. She literally insinuates herself into my life at every turn, and she’s sighing like I’m the nuisance.
“I want a better lock on my door,” she says, cutting to the chase. “I asked the people at the rental office and they said as long as I pay for it myself and have it professionally installed, I’m allowed to buy a better lock. Don’t worry, I didn’t explain why,” she adds.
I shake my head, leaning across the table to look at the website she has pulled up on her phone.
“So, I was on reddit and they recommended—”
“Reddit?” I roll my eyes. “Jeeze.”
“Well, I don’t know where to get expert lock-picker advice, okay? So I went to reddit. Anyway, they were saying the locks are harder to pick from a couple companies because they have… I don’t know, some kind of plates or something? I don’t know, it’s a whole new world of shit I don’t understand—pins and plates and tumblers. Apparently you have to have some element of nerdiness to be a criminal mastermind, too.”
“It doesn’t hurt to be intelligent. Dumb criminals get caught a lot more.”
She smirks, and I realize I just sort of admitted to being a criminal.
“Not that I—”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” She waves me off, rolling her eyes and handing me the phone. “So, I started emailing the one lock pick guy asking for his advice, and he hooked me up with this one. It’s expensive, but he said if I installed this one, no one could break into my house.”
By the end of this interaction, I’m staring at her, absolutely horrified.
She blinks at me a few times, then raises her eyebrows and nods to the screen, urging me to check it out so I can give her my expert lock-picking opinion.
I put her phone down on the table and stare at her harder. “Let me get this straight. You met some random asshole on reddit, literally all you know about him is that he’s probably capable of breaking into houses, and you started conversing with him about what lock you should put on your own front door?”
“I went straight to the source.” She shrugs. “He doesn’t know where I live.”
“You don’t know that! You probably have your email linked to all kinds of shit. Do you have a visible profile picture on your email account? Jesus Christ, are you trying to get murdered?”
“He’s a burglar, not a murderer. Maybe I have really kinky break-in fantasies, okay? Don’t judge me.”
“Well, if you have really kinky break-in fantasies, you should get an adventurous boyfriend, not email random sleazebags on the internet.”
Tapping her temple like she’s already thought of that, she says, “But once I install the lock, he can’t break in even if he figures out where I live. Or, that’s the idea. I figured I would get a second opinion, so I came to you, my friendly neighborhood criminal. Minus the friendly part.”
“Jesus Christ.” I grab the phone again, shaking my head as I look at the lock this asshole told her to buy. I don’t want to give the guy any credit because I’m still pretty convinced his master plan is to rape and murder her, but he actually did recommend a good lock. This is one of the locks Mateo has on his own front door. “This is a good lock, but there’s no point putting it on our cheap-ass doors. Wooden frame, standard hinges—someone wants in your house badly enough, they can still get in. If you weren’t literally baiting the dregs of humanity with your email bullshit, there’s no reason you’d need a lock like this.” I hand her back her phone. “Open your email; I want to see the messages between you and this asshole.”