I guess I have surprised him, but only in bad ways. I’ve only hurt him, surprised him because he thought he could trust me and I proved otherwise. Surprised him by going through the motions of having a life and family with the woman I knew he needed, and then trying to take her away from him at the first feasible opportunity.
Covering my face with my hands, I close my eyes.
I’m never going to fall asleep.
I’m never going to find peace.
Eight-six-one-seven.
I visualize it. I visualize dragging myself up and grabbing my phone, calling Mateo in the middle of the night, while Mia sleeps peacefully next to him, unburdened by the weight of my problems. She would never do what I’ve done, so of course she sleeps serenely beside him. She shared him with me to make everyone happy, and she hated sharing. She’d probably never admit she hated it, but she did. I guess I didn’t always help. I was a real bitch sometimes; she’s just so easy to pick on.
I miss being able to pick on her. Not maliciously, not poking in a way that would sting, but just friendly ribbing.
I miss my life.
I wish I could call him.
I wish I was brave.
I wish I could stop what’s happening without worrying that I’ll fuck myself in the process.
My eyes are so heavy.
The twinge is still there in my pelvis.
This is Hell. I’m in Hell.
Maybe that’s where I belong.
—
When I wake up, my breakfast has already been delivered. Everything aches. I grimace as I turn, trying to right myself. There’s a painful pressure in my pelvis; I realize that’s what woke me up.
Oh no.
I don’t know what time I felt the twinges last night, I was too miserable to get up and check. It’s hard enough to get semi-comfortable when I’m sleeping down here, I didn’t want to get up and have to do it again.
Ugh, the cramping. I remember that feeling. I need to get to my phone, so I force myself up off the ground and go to the corner to get my phone. My hands shake slightly, as I look for Rafe’s number. Stupid fucking hands. They make me irrationally angry with their bullshit. Get it together, hands. It’s just labor. You’ve done it twice before.
Of course, never while alone in a dungeon, at the mercy of people who don’t like me.
I consider calling Rafe, but I don’t want him to hear my voice. If my hands are shaky, my voice may betray me, too. I don’t want to deal with his soul-scraping bullshit. I type out a text instead, telling him that I think I’m in labor and I need someone to come down and find me.
He doesn’t respond, though.
It feels like forever that I wait, but it’s only six minutes. I give up on Rafe and open my contacts to find someone else. The phone isn’t programmed with names, though. Rafe’s name is in there because he put it there, but the only other numbers are attached to letters.
A, C, D, Rafe. That’s the extent of my list. I assume D is Dante, but I really can’t imagine calling him to tell him I’m in labor and I need help. As a last resort, sure, but he’s not my second choice; the man is just not nice. Maybe C is Colette. Would he put her phone number in here, for real? What if it gets discovered? I would think he would want to give her the illusion of innocence.
Unless he’s not worried about getting caught.
Unless… unless that A is Adrian.
Oh, God, it couldn’t be Adrian, right? There is no way Adrian would turn on Mateo, right? Dante knows that, right? He couldn’t possibly trust Adrian. If he trusts Adrian, there would have to be one hell of a reason.
Mia. If Adrian ever turned on Mateo, it could only be for Mia. She snuck right into his heart. Probably took over the best friend space Mateo tried so hard to fill, but could never fit into. Adrian likes good people, not bad people. I think he’s drawn to people he wishes he could be more like. Mia is good, open, loving, trusting—everything Adrian can’t afford to be. Mateo is the opposite of what Adrian is drawn to. But Mia is Mateo’s world, so why would he—?
The baby. What if Mateo is planning something truly horrible? What if he isn’t planning to let Mia keep the baby, he’s just going to use his dirty methods to cover it up? If Adrian knows, maybe that’s over his line. Maybe that would convince Adrian to turn on Mateo. It’s hard for me to imagine Adrian letting Rafe keep Mia as a pet, though. After all these years putting up with Mateo’s shit, if he’s going to go rogue, he’s going to save her, not give her to an asshole who loves her less than the one who currently possesses her.