Irritation is stamped across every one of his handsome features. “Why do I always want the women who drive me fucking crazy?”
This question is clearly not for me, because I know next to nothing about his past relationships, so I don’t answer. I know he killed someone named Beth and proposed to Meg. That’s the beginning and end of what I know.
“Does Meg drive you crazy?”
“Whose bedroom am I in, Mia?” he asks, like I’m annoying him by being a dumbass.
“Well, I don’t know how your brain works, Mateo. You clearly want Meg since I’m sharing.”
“You can’t handle me full-time,” he states, almost dismissively. “You need a friend.”
Now I frown, but he’s already moving on before I can dig into that. He moves closer, grabbing my ankles to pull me out of my protective stance.
“Why isn’t it enough that I want you? Holding a grudge can’t bring Vince back. It can’t change anything. It will only make us both unhappy.”
“We deserve to be unhappy,” I tell him. “We’ve done terrible, unforgivable things to people we love. We deserve to pay for it.”
“You keep saying ‘we,’” he says, watching me closely. “You didn’t do anything. You begged for mercy. You tried to intervene. You gave him acceptance and love regardless of what he did. Stop holding onto guilt. You don’t deserve to be unhappy.”
“Yes, I do,” I say simply.
“You have to let go of that, Mia. That’s the problem, that right there. That’s why I can’t get anywhere with you.”
I shrug, looking down at my toes. Most of the nail polish has chipped off them, but last time I painted them, Vince was on the couch next to me complaining about the smell. I can’t bring myself to remove that chipped nail polish and put new paint in its place.
He grasps my chin, forcing me to look up at him. “I want that. That love and acceptance you gave to him once—I want that for myself.”
I smile now, a semi-crazy smile, because that’s perfect. “You finally want something you can’t steal. How does it feel?”
“Horrible.”
Nodding, I tell him, “Welcome to everyone else’s world.”
And he’s right. It does make him crazy. There’s something he wants that he can’t have. I won’t give it to him. No matter how many battles he wins, he isn’t winning the war.
He isn’t winning.
And he can’t stand it.
I’m finally starting to get it, I think. I’m finally starting to understand.
So I shake my head, almost apologetically. “You know what… I think how you feel right now, sitting here demanding things of me that you know I could give you, just at a high cost… I think this is how I felt that night. I’m sure you feel it to a lesser extent; you don’t feel as deeply as I do, after all. But our roles have reversed. That night I begged you to give me what I needed, I begged you to make a sacrifice for me, to spare him even though it would make your life harder, but you weren’t willing. And now that’s what you want from me. I could give you the love and acceptance you crave, but I would despise myself for it. I would have to pay too high a price. And that’s the difference between then and now. Then, I would’ve paid any price for you, for your happiness. I loved you, and that’s how I love. I’m a giver. But I’m not a welcome mat. I gave and I gave because I loved you, because I was devoted to you, because it filled me up to satisfy you. That’s not just how I deport myself. I don’t give to everyone like that. I’d be depleted if I did that. Right now, you sitting here asking me to give you what you need, this is you begging me. And now it’s my turn to look you in the face like you don’t matter, and say ‘okay.’ Like you’re nothing to me. Like you did to me that night.”
His jaw locks and he glares at me. “Revenge doesn’t suit you, Mia.”
“This isn’t revenge. It’s justice.”
“Call it what you want, it’s revenge.”
I shake my head. “It’s not. My loyalty was always split between you and Vince, but my desire for you always tipped the scales in your favor. You fucked up. You tipped the scales forever in his favor when you killed him.”
“Bullshit. You’re just being stubborn.”
“I guess we’ll see who’s right.” I finger the locket hanging around my neck. “I’m stuck here, and you’re stuck with me. Welcome to Hell.”
He doesn’t like me realizing I do have power over him.
He hates it.
I don’t especially like it myself; that’s not my thing. I like him having all the power. I like being his cherished plaything. I wish he would’ve just given me the respect I asked for that night. I wish the scales were tipped back in his favor. I wish my loyalty was his, like it was when it shouldn’t have been. But he gave my loyalty to Vince. He made me feel indebted to Vince’s memory. I cost him everything, and I owe him this last tribute. If I drive Mateo crazy for the rest of his goddamn life, that’s what he deserves. And if it tortures me to make him feel that way, that’s what I deserve.