“Yes. Fuck,” I grumbled, upset that I’d said something so stupid and thoughtless that he wasn’t letting it go. Normally we never had to apologize to one another. “I’m sorry.”
He just sat there, holding on to the steering wheel, squeezing so tight that his knuckles were turning white.
“Eli?”
“I don’t want to lose you.” He was adamant, and when he looked at me with those dark eyes of his all filled up with worry, I nearly swallowed my tongue. “Here’s the thing, Cel. You’re not responsible for how Senan treated you. I know you tried to make inroads with him over and over, and I know you were rebuffed.”
That was true.
“He wasn’t a nice person,” he said, turning to me. “If it was just you, I’d say okay, maybe the fault lies with you, maybe you didn’t try enough or hard enough.”
“Sure.”
“But I know you, so I can tell you with absolute certainty that you tried your best.”
I had no idea what to say because yes, he knew me, inside and out, so when he told me he knew I tried, there could be no confusion, no second-guessing.
“It’s how it was with Brodie.”
“The guy you worked with. The transfer.”
“Yes.”
“You said there was no reaching the guy.”
“That’s right,” Eli agreed. “He has his mind made up that the world is against him. He thinks everyone has it easier than him, and so he vents that at everyone around him, doesn’t try because what’s the point, and basically just walks around with this gigantic chip on his shoulder. I’ve never met anyone so closed off to change. It was the same with Senan.”
Eli had tried with Brodie, just as I had with Senan. But Brodie was a user, he only ever saw an angle, and Eli was far too smart for that.
With Senan, it seemed to me he’d been so worried about being the best, so insecure about it, that it colored the way he viewed the world around him. He certainly could have had friends, and I, for one, would have helped him. I would have done everything in my power to turn his inexpressive face into one that would work for him. He didn’t have the intuitiveness to be an actor, but anything could be developed with study, patience, and practice. I would have eagerly stepped into the fray if he’d only trusted me to help. The thing was, he always wore his icy demeanor like armor, and eventually we were all bruised from bumping up against his sneering contempt. It was like he perceived any kindness as weakness and missed the truth altogether. All of us had been willing to be friends, and he’d slapped every one of our hands away.
“You can’t be expected to grieve someone you didn’t know and didn’t care about,” Eli said, finally putting the car in gear and pulling away from the building. “I’m sorry he was killed right in front of you, and I know you’re still in shock and grieving the person he was to the company. But please don’t feel bad for not being sorry he’s gone, because again, how can you miss him?”
It was true. I didn’t know him at all. He was a stranger, even though he’d been walking around in my orbit for almost seven months.
“Here’s what we’re gonna do,” Eli stated as he drove. “You’re going to come and live with me in my very secure building until we figure this all out.”
“What about the cops?”
“CPD can’t make you accept protection.”
“But you can’t protect me either, not without sending me to another city and legally putting me in your system.”
He glanced at me.
“I’ve listened to the WITSEC conversations,” I reminded him, “and we both know you lied to those nice detectives.”
“I didn’t lie,” he countered defensively. “I misrepresented.”
Eli explained how he’d thought to talk to his boss about having the marshals service take me into protective custody, but if that happened, the USMS wouldn’t allow him to watch over me. Since we were friends, it would be a conflict of interest. So Eli straight-up lied. When he was walking me out of the building, he’d led the detectives to believe he was taking charge of me in an official capacity, when he was, in fact, not able to do so.
“They’re gonna contact the marshals service to speak to me, and you’re gonna get in trouble, aren’t you?”
“Why would I?”
I huffed out a breath. “Because you lied.”
“As I said, I misled, not lied.”