8
Ididn’t like talking about Jolene. He must have sensed that because he let it go soon enough. The hurt in my voice must have been clear to even someone as unemotional as him, and he didn’t seem to know how to handle it beyond throwing money at the problem. And hey, if that worked for him, then I certainly wasn’t going to complain.
I could feel it nagging at me in the back of my mind. I still felt so guilty so much of the time for not being with Jolene. Here I was, spending all this cash and traipsing around these fancy shops across the state line just because he could and he wanted to take me. It didn’t feel right, knowing she was all the way back in the home and waiting for me. She would have told me to stop being such a worrywart and to enjoy myself while I could, but I was her big sister, and it was my business to worry about her. Going over everything that had happened to us just stirred up those feelings all over again, the ones I had done such a damn good job ignoring over the last few days.
We spent the rest of that afternoon shopping until I wasn’t sure he could carry one single bag more. I couldn’t help giggling when I looked at him, laden with everything I’d purchased.
“You make a good Sherpa,” I teased, and he grinned and cocked an eyebrow.
“I knew all those gym sessions were for something,” he replied, and I tried not to let my mind linger too long on what he’d just said. I hadn’t been able to shake the memory of his body from my head, no matter how hard I tried. That night we’d hooked up all over again and I’d slept beside him, it had felt so real. It was getting so hard to remind myself that this wasn’t real, and some part of me just wanted to throw that to the winds and stop giving the remotest shit about it. So it wasn’t real. My orgasms were. The feel of his body on top of mine was. What else mattered, when it came down to it?
And today had been as close as he would let things come to a date, that much I knew for sure. He might have tried to play it off as nothing more than an excuse for him to get out of the city, but I knew better than that. I knew he was trying to romance me, in his own particular way, trying to tempt me to something more all over again. And damn if I wasn’t close. Every time I looked over at him, I felt it kindling deep down in my belly, something drawing me impossibly toward him like someone had sparked a fuse, and it was only a matter of time until the explosion followed.
We headed back to his helicopter, and he helped strap me in once more. He was so deft and confident as he moved his hands around me, checking that I was all locked in and safe. I just wanted to reach up and wind my arms tight around his neck, but I had to hold back. For now. No, for good. I couldn’t let myself slip any further.
“You okay?” he asked as the helicopter took off. I nodded.
“Just a little scared, that’s all,” I assured him, and it was the truth. He didn’t need to know it was more him than the helicopter unsettling me.
Truth was the ride back was more exciting than it was anything else. With him by my side, I felt as though I could have taken on the world. He just made me feel safe and comfortable in ways I hadn’t in a long time. Too comfortable, actually, because it was all too easy to find myself sliding back into a place where I was happy to hook up with him, convincing myself it was just a little bit of fun.
We arrived back at the helipad, and he helped me with the bags to the car, and then drove us back to the apartment. We chatted about the day, about the food and the wine and the dress I had purchased for Jolene, and I found my heart skipping around in my chest as he laughed at some crappy joke I’d thrown out there. Today had been so perfect, and all I wanted was to crawl into bed with him, close my eyes, and lay my head on his chest to get some sleep.
He headed up to the apartment before me, and I hung back a little. I needed to collect myself before we were all alone together once more. Remember why you put those rules in place? It was to protect yourself, your heart.
But I tried to argue with myself, even though I knew I was right. I just wanted there to be an excuse for me to do more, to get away with more with him. I needed him, his body close to mine, his breath mingling with my own, his skin warm against mine. But I couldn’t risk my heart any further. It was already bloody and raw, could I really risk another beating so soon after I had convinced myself to back off?
“Amaya? Are you coming?” he called, and I followed him up the stairs.
“Sure,” I called back and shoved it to the back of my mind for the time being. I would come back to that when I was feeling a little stronger, less confused by a perfect day the two of us had spent together.
I headed straight to my room, intending to just take off my shoes and my coat, but as soon as I sat down on my bed, a wave of tiredness hit me out of nowhere. It had been a long day, one full of emotion, and it all seemed to come swooping on me at once. My eyes drifted shut as I laid my head down on to the pillow and yawned, snuggling into the sheets and kicking my shoes off. This place was my home now if I was comfortable enough to just go straight to sleep when I was here.
I was just about to doze off when I heard him come into the room and opened my eyes once more. He put the rest of my bags down and sat on the bed next to me. I found myself itching for his touch, silently urging him to reach out and run his hands over my body and put the final pin in this perfect day. Instead, I sat up and drew my legs up toward myself.
“What’s up?” I asked softly, and he turned to me and cocked his head.
“I was just thinking,” he began, and for a split second, I had this crazy thought that he was going to suggest we make things serious, that today had convinced him as much as it had convinced me that things needed to be more secure between us once and for all. I shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind. Ofcourse, he wasn’t going to say anything like that. He would have come out with that already if he was going to. He wasn’t going to start with that shit now, just because I wanted him too.
“Oh, yeah?”
“We should invite Jolene up here for a day out,” he continued, and my heart twisted in my chest.
“You’re serious?” I raised my eyebrows at him.
“No, I just came in here to tease you about it,” he shot back, grinning. I fell silent for a moment. This was a lot, even for him. Did he have any idea how big a deal this was to me? No guy I had ever dated had suggested involving Jolene more in our lives. In fact, most of them had treated my sister with this tacit acknowledgement that it would only be a matter of time before I shifted away from her for good, as though I was just sticking by her out of a sense of duty and not because I loved her so fiercely, I would never let her go.
“I’m sure she would love that.” I nodded. I knew she would. She wanted to get to know Kristo as well as she could, and she would love getting out of the home for a while and seeing the place I was staying in for the time being. In fact, she probably wouldn’t want to leave. Like me up until a couple of months ago, she would never have seen someone living somewhere like this apartment close-up.
“I’ll leave you to get some rest.” He got to his feet and patted my knee briefly, heading to the door. “But we should get that organized. I’d love to have her visit.”
“I’ll make sure I do,” I called after him, and he pushed the door shut behind me, and I buried my head into the pillow below me. Tears leaked out the corners of my eyes, and I quickly brushed them away. It wasn’t sadness, not like it had been before. It was just the emotion of knowing he cared enough to reach out to Jolene in that way. He didn’t even really love me, yet he was already treating my sister with a kindness that even the people who’d been closest to me before hadn’t been able to muster up.
I wasn’t sure how long I lay there before I pushed myself up and got to my feet to begin to go through my bags. I needed to pull myself together. I began to lay out my clothes, looking at the dresses and the shoes and the jewelry I could never have afforded before him and stared down at them for a moment.
I knew I loved him. That was why I had left. But he was offering me the kind of money I couldn’t turn down, and the kind of sex I’d only ever dreamed about before now. So, what was wrong with being a little in love with him? Anyone would have found themselves in the same position if they were where I was at that moment. I was stuck here for the next year whether I liked it or not, and that meant I was going to have to suck things up, no matter how weird they were, no matter how bizarre this entire situation was. He needed me to be with him, and that was that.
So what if he didn’t love me back? So what if he didn’t believe in love, or trust it? He could give me the life he would give to someone he loved, and I didn’t see why I should be forced to bend and twist away from that just because I felt so strongly for him. I should enjoy myself for the time being, while I still could; when this year was over, I would look back on days like this longingly, days when he could show me a world I had only ever imagined before now.
So I was going to enjoy it. I looked at myself in the mirror, in the full-length one that sat next to the door of the en suite. When was I ever going to get to live life like this again, on the arm of a gorgeous, successful, rich, thoughtful man like Kristo? I was going to enjoy it and love him as much as he would let me, even if I never said the words out loud to him again. I was going to do this once and for all. I began to put away the dresses, more certain than I had been in a long-ass time. I was ready for this year, whatever it brought me. There was nothing he could throw at me that I wasn’t ready for. Now, thanks to all this shopping today, there would be no occasion I couldn’t dress for. And wasn’t this all about looking the part?