48
Idrove to work and tried to remember the last time I had been so relieved to be getting to my job.
Since the lawyer had dropped the news, Kristo and I had been going through the motions. Polite, sure, but that was it. Neither of us seemed to be able to muster up the energy to talk about what had happened, and frankly, I was more than all right with that. The thought of admitting this was real, that this was happening after everything we’d been through together … no. I couldn’t handle it.
The only time either of us seemed to be honest with one another was when he hugged me in the kitchen the morning after. But as I held him, I couldn’t tell whether he was holding me to let me know he needed me here, that he wanted me to stay, or if it was, in fact, just a hug goodbye. The thought of that made me choke up all over again, and I pushed it through the back of my head. No. I couldn’t let myself get stuck on that, not today. I had so much to do, so much to distract me, and I didn’t want to give away the tiniest bit of what was going on in my head.
Which was going to be hard because Kristo was meeting with his lawyer today to discuss what the hell was going to happen with us going forward. But that lawyer had seemed pretty certain that the marriage was null and void, which meant everything I’d built with him was going to come apart at the seams.
Would I have to give the money for Jolene back? Would he kick me out of the house? Would I lose his family as well? My brain was pulsing with questions, and I couldn’t answer any of them with the help of the radio and the sound of a regular Monday morning commute. I wanted to rip the steering wheel off the dash and toss it into traffic, but I knew that wasn’t going to help.
I arrived at work and headed straight to the stacks, going through the motions of filing the new set of papers that had arrived over the weekend. It was mindless work, long and dull, but it was detailed enough that I had to keep focused on what I was doing and stop my mind from wandering. I would take it for now, given the utter state my head was currently in.
When I was about halfway done, a head popped up from another stack, a head I had never seen before. Most of the students who were regulars in this place I knew by face if not name, and our small staff was hard to forget. The woman was a few years younger than me with a bob of bright blond hair and a wide, slightly crooked smile.
“Hey!” she exclaimed as she approached me, and the sweet brightness in her voice practically made my head hurt, it was so dissonant with what was going on in there at the moment. I managed to smile back.
“Hello, can I help you?” I asked, and the woman furrowed her brow but didn’t stop smiling.
“I’m Darla,” she reminded me. “The new hire? We spoke on the phone about a week ago?”
“Oh, right, yes.” I slapped the heel of my hand to my forehead. “I’m sorry. it’s been a crazy weekend.”
“Good things, I hope?” She grinned as she extended her hand to me. I shrugged.
“Guess we’ll see,” I replied, and shook her hand. “Good to meet you. Can I show you around?”
“I don’t want to drag you away from any work.” She looked down at the pile I had been working on, and I waved my hand.
“Oh, that’s just busywork,” I replied. “I’ll be glad for the distraction, really. Come on, let me show you the place.”
We chatted as I showed her around the library, and she was a better distraction than the papers had been. She was very talkative and excitable, probably because it was her first day on the job, and her happiness was a salve to the mess that was currently going on in my head at that moment.
“I’ve been so looking forward to starting work here,” Darla told me as she followed me to the history section. “I’ve heard so much about this place. I always wanted to work here.”
“Yeah, me too.” I cocked my head at her. “Ever since I saw this place when I first came to the university, I knew I had to work here one day.”
“That’s exactly how I felt,” Darla said, once again seeming to forget that the two of us were in a library. A woman looked up from a stack of books she was working on and shot us a dirty look. Darla noticed, and she slapped her hand over her mouth to keep from giggling at the scolding glare.
“Do the staff have to uphold the quiet-in-the-library rules?” She lowered her voice and turned to me, a mischievous glint in her eye. “Because I could see this place being a great venue for a rave if we just cleared out all these silly books.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. I liked her energy.
“You’re going to do well here.” I nodded to Darla as we headed down to the offices. “I’m sure of it.”
“Well, that’s good to hear,” she replied, stretching and yawning as we headed down the stacks. “Sorry, I’m just not used to getting up at normal work hours. I’m a night owl.”
“Trust me, most of the staff around here keep to themselves.” I waved a hand at her. “I think you could get away with catching a nap in your office if you were inclined that way.”
“Sounds like the words of a person speaking from experience,” she teased, and I laughed again. Fuck, it felt good to laugh after the few days I’d had.
“I’ll never tell.” I tapped the side of my nose, and I took her into the office and ran through the duties she’d be expected to cover the first week. One of the great things about living in a library was that everyone who came here was highly trained in their job so you didn’t have to mess around with running down in painful detail everything they needed to get done while they were here. They could just up and get after it, which Darla did as soon as I was finished.
“Thanks for the tour.” She grinned at me gratefully. “I won’t get under your feet anymore, I promise.”
“Oh, feel free to.” I waved my hand at her. “Nice to have some actual enthusiasm around here for a change.”
I watched as Darla made her way out of my office, and I leaned back in my seat and let out a long sigh. I knew I shouldn’t have let it bother me, but I couldn’t stop looking at the clock, wondering if Kristo was finished with that meeting yet. I had been checking my phone constantly since I’d arrived at work, on the off-chance he might somehow have decided what was going to happen to the two of us without my knowing. This state of uncertainty was driving me crazy, and I needed to lock something down before I lost my mind entirely.