I don’t know what to say, because the truth is I’m so lost in my own grief that I never asked Mere how she feels. The coffee suddenly feels sour as the tart taste of guilt fills my mouth.
“This time she told someone about her birthday and they organized a party…on my wife’s death anniversary.” My jaw clenches remembering the purple streamers and pink balloons.
“I understand you didn’t take it well.” Emily picks another cookie from the plate.
“You don’t say. I lost it in front of the guys.” My fingers tighten around the cup before I pull on my collar, remembering the incident.
“Ah, I see. That’s why you’re sitting in my office.” She smiles lightly, but it slips when she notices my tensed face.
“I’m sitting in your office because Clementine doesn’t know her limits.”
“I thought your daughter’s name was Merida.”
“Clementine is my tenant. Mere’s friend. She organized the party and invited fucking everyone.” I tell Emily how Merida just mentioned her birthday to Clementine. But as always, she went overboard.
“Is it possible that Merida wanted a birthday celebration, not really to celebrate but to feel…normal?” Emily asks me carefully while playing with her empty cup.
“What does that mean?”
“Mr. Adams, have you seen any of your daughter’s social media accounts?”
Mere has social media accounts? Jesus!
“No,” I murmur.
Emily taps on her phone and then hands it to me. Her screen is filled with tiled images of some girly birthday celebration. Streamers and balloons in gold and pink. Cake topped with makeup products. Young girls holding quirky photo booth masks.
I return her phone, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Is this how Merida’s friends celebrate their birthdays?
“It’s quite a party,” I mumble, suddenly feeling extremely insecure about my parenting.
“It should be. I almost broke my back setting it up and it definitely hurt my wallet.” Emily places her phone on the table and then glances my way. “But you see what I mean. Maybe Merida wanted to just blend in with a few birthday pictures.”
I don’t know how to respond. Mere told me that she wanted to do something normal. I had no idea normal meant this.
I remember her this morning, crying on my shoulder.
Why doesn’t she hate me?
“Our time’s up.”
My head jerks up to see Emily turning her loose wristwatch and smiling at me.
When I don’t jump off of the couch immediately, she says, “Keith, you’re in my calendar for the next seven days. Same time.”
I don’t know what she sees in my face as she adds, “Don’t think of this as a session. Think of it as meeting a friend who is a good listener. We can have coffee, talk about Merida. Hell, we can talk about my daughters. And… If you want, we can talk about other things too.”
I nod and leave her office, unsure how I feel about being a regular visitor from now on.
When I reach the Kings Security campus, I don’t go to the office, instead I take the elevator to my apartment.
As expected, I find Mere home but not in her own bedroom.
“What are you doing here?” I stand by Clementine’s bedroom door.
Mere looks up from Snowy snuggled on her lap. “Snowy and I like it here. We’re missing Clem.”
“She’s not permanent, Mere. She’ll leave, if not today, after a few months. She is…just a tenant.” Something I’m trying to repeatedly tell myself since she walked into our house on that rainy day.