The call ends, and my thoughts go back to Vienna. What is she doing right now? Usually, when we got back from the hospital, I’d make her some coffee and light a fire so she could relax on the porch.
* * *
“We saw Vienna,” Zander says after we settle in the bar with our drinks. Whiskey for him and me, and a beer for Zach.
My hand shakes where it’s wrapped around the faceted glass. “You ran into her somewhere?”
My eldest brother slowly shakes his head, his eyes never leaving me. “No. We went to see her.”
“Wh-where?” I couldn’t hold back the word from slipping out of my mouth. My brothers throw me curious glances. “I…was dr-riving in front of her s-street, and the lights of her place w-were off.”
I look straight ahead to the man who just walked to the other side of the bar, wearing a leather jacket with a helmet resting on his side. Anything to avoid my brothers’ gazes.
“We talked to her friend Ivy,” Zach replies after a moment’s silence.
Of course they did. That would have been more sensible than driving back and forth down her street in the night like a stalker.
“She said something to us.” Zander leans forward. My pulse skids at the flicker of emotion on his face that has haunted him all of our childhood.
My palms turn sweaty. “Wh-what did sh-she say?”
“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but at the same time, I knew it was true. I was just too proud to accept that I was failing my brothers again.”
My muscles lock up at the sound of sheer agony in Zander’s voice. I wait for the feeling of betrayal to hit knowing Vienna shared my bitter truth to my brothers, but it never comes.
“All my life I’ve lived with a guilt that I didn’t do enough for you both. I was the eldest, and it was my responsibility to protect you from any harm.” Zander clenches his jaw, and he shakes his head repeatedly.
“You w-were a kid.” My muscles stiffen into concrete. I hate to see my brother carrying so much guilt for something that wasn’t his fault.
“And you a baby. We didn’t choose to be born, Zane. They chose to give birth to us.” Zach squeezes my shoulder before grabbing his beer.
“I don’t th-think they w-wanted me,” I whisper.
“Then they shouldn’t have fucked that night.” Zach slams the bottle onto the counter, and I’m surprised it didn’t shatter. “Life isn’t about what we want but what we make of things handed to us. Who the fuck in this world knows this better than us?”
“We need you, Zane,” Zander says softly, barely audible over the soft hum of the country music playing in the bar. “Isn’t this enough? Is their rejection more important than our love?”
My heart climbs into my throat. I glance at him as he stares at his whiskey glass. The anguish on my brothers’ faces comes down like heavy downpour, and I want to take away all the shame, all the embarrassment, and free me.
“I…never th-thought about it th-this way. I always believed I s-somehow ruined the family pict-ture.” My head dips low, and I swallow the fake pride and confidence I usually carry.
“Fuck, Zane! Are you seriously trying to make us feel pathetic? What family picture are you talking about? The one that includes a fucked-up sex addict like me or a nutcase like Zander who couldn’t trust the most innocent girl in the world just because she bears our mother’s fucking name?” The muscles in Zach’s jaw clench as his fist hits the counter. “Have you ever thought that maybe it’s because of you and your kind and forgiving heart that we survived that hell and came out better?”
My insides quiver as my brothers try to make me believe something I’ve never thought about.
“We are all flawed, Zane, and that has nothing to do with us,” Zander says. “It’s our parents who raised us to be insecure with ourselves and the people around us. But trust is a beautiful thing. I see it every day in my wife’s eyes, who had been abandoned for so long. I see it in my son’s smile, who thought he’d never have a happy family. Trust in us, our love, and our words. We need you.” Zander smiles.
I let my brothers’ every word sink in. It feels like a new reality. It’s hard to accept, but I want to so badly.
“I heard my favorite men were back.” A thin shadow appears to my right, and I slowly look up.
Colorful tattoos cover an arm, and when she moves to pick up a glass, my eyes zoom in on the green clover. The golden pendant against my neck suddenly feels heavy. I look up to see the bartender who read me my horoscope not so many months back.
The tense air surrounding us calms at her arrival.
“What the heck, woman.” Zach chuckles and looks around. “You never leave this place, or are we visiting this bar too often?”
“Did you meet someone special that day?” she asks and I’m surprised she remembers it.