Raven had thought she was helping. All that she’d done was guarantee her mother’s death.
She reached for her toothbrush, shoved it into her mouth, and brushed, taking the taste of vomit away.
Raven had even tried not to eat too late at night in an attempt to fight the sickness. It didn’t matter if she had a full stomach or an empty one, she was going to be sick. She hated this part of the pregnancy.
Placing a hand on her stomach, she noticed a slight roundedness. It wasn’t too pronounced yet.
If she wore her jeans and shirts, then everyone would see that she was pregnant. Jerking her hand away from her stomach, she finished brushing her teeth and then left the bathroom.
Touching her stomach reminded her of what she did the other night. The sex she had with Carlos, all night long until they had passed out.
She had no choice but to sneak out of his home though. She’d been able to do it before the morning sickness had gripped her. When she snuck into Larissa and Jonah’s home, she’d been so full of guilt.
They had told her to come and go as she pleased. Had given her a key.
She didn’t like this.
Being with Carlos, though, for even those few hours, she had slept so soundly. She hated that he had that effect on her.
The house was quiet, and she figured everyone had gone to work, but as she went to the kitchen, Jonah was there, complete with some water, which was usually warm, and some dry toast.
“You didn’t have to do that,” she said.
“Nonsense.”
Raven took a seat, picked up a piece of toast, and started to nibble it. She didn’t want to upset him. Sipping at the water, she started to feel a little better.
“I am looking at another place to stay,” she said.
“Raven, have you ever considered … forgiveness?” he asked.
She wanted to snap at him, to growl, but she knew Jonah always meant well. “What do you mean?”
“Forgiveness is powerful. It allows us to open our hearts to the possibility of a peaceful future, but one where you can … embrace.”
“I don’t need a passionate speech,” Raven said.
“Okay, I will give it to you straight then.” Jonah pulled out a chair. “I’ve watched you, Raven. I’ve seen you around town, and I know you love the club like a family. Since you stayed here, you’ve been miserable.” He held up his hand. “Let me finish. Eat your toast. It will help to settle your stomach. Trust me.”
Raven took a bite of her toast.
“I don’t know what happened, and I don’t care to know what happened, but I can see that you’re hurting. Is what they did so bad that you can’t forgive them? The pain of being without them, how does that make you feel?”
Raven chewed on her toast. “It’s not about forgiveness.”
“Then what is it about?”
Tears filled her eyes. “I don’t deserve to be … forgiven. I don’t deserve to be happy.” Raven put the toast on the plate. Her appetite, what little she had, was gone. “I’ve got to go.”
“Raven, wait,” Jonah said.
She had picked up her plate as if to leave.
“I … I’m not a good person. My mom, she would hate me. I killed her. I wasn’t good enough, which is why they didn’t give me the cure. She was never supposed to die.” She pressed her hand to her stomach. “I hurt Abriana. I hurt Ava. I hurt everyone I care about. I’m poison, and this baby, I can’t let anything happen to it.” The tears she had tried so hard to keep at bay spilled out.
Stupid pregnancy.
“I should be dead. I should be … I don’t deserve Carlos or the club. I don’t deserve anything.”
Jonah wrapped his arms around her, and Raven couldn’t help but sob. Part of her wanted to fight him off, but he was a good person.
“I ruin everything,” Raven said. “I’m a horrible, disgusting person.”
“You’re not,” Jonah said.
“I am. You don’t know me. I should be dead. I’m a fucking monster. Oh, my God, why am I still alive? I test myself all the time. I … no, I can’t do this. I can’t.”
“I’ve got you, Raven. I’ve got you.”
“I … I … hold the revolver I stole from him, and … I…” She felt sick. No one knew about this. “I use a single bullet and I, I test if I should live another day.”
“Raven?”
“I haven’t done it since I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t do it before either, because I was needed. What do I do? I don’t know what to do. I can’t hurt my baby, and I don’t want to hurt anyone else, but how do I make it all stop?”
She continued to sob, and Jonah held her. Why had she confessed that to him? No one was supposed to ever know. It was her secret.