She stepped out of the clubhouse and made her way to the car. Raven hugged each of the men before she got to the driver’s side of the car and climbed inside.
“Are you okay?” Larissa asked.
“No. No. I’m not okay. I’m so not okay.”
She didn’t stop as she pulled out of the parking lot and headed out onto the main road. Larissa didn’t say anything as Raven drove out of town, heading up the long winding road, pressing her foot on the gas, but she didn’t go too fast. She didn’t break the speed limit.
She came to a stop near a parking spot and pulled the car in. Raven put it into park and then stepped out of the car. There was nowhere for her to go.
She paced in front of the car, rubbing at her chest and taking deep breaths at the same time.
Larissa climbed out of the car, closed her door, and leaned against the car, arms folded.
Neither of them spoke as Raven tried to get herself together. It had been a long time since she had felt this panic rising up inside her. She had to get a hold of herself.
Larissa, all of a sudden, started to hum. At first, Raven didn’t appreciate the sound. The noise was a distraction she didn’t want, but then, she liked the sound so much, she couldn’t help but tune in.
She didn’t know what song Larissa was singing, but the young woman had the softest, sweetest, and yet, most powerful voice Raven had ever heard. When Larissa finished, Raven found herself standing in front of the young woman.
“Are you feeling better?” Larissa asked.
“Yeah, I am. You … that was amazing.”
Larissa smiled. “Thank you.”
“No, I’m being serious. You could totally do that professionally.”
She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t want to.”
Raven frowned. “Why not?”
“I … just don’t. I’ve never wanted to sing full time or make music videos.” Larissa shrugged.
“But you’d be rich.”
“There’s more to life than money, Raven. I want to have a family. I want to be happy. I’d love to sing to my children, chase away their monsters.”
“Have you tried?”
“My music teacher got angry with me because I didn’t want that life, and I did go and see what it was all about. He took me to a concert. My dad knows all about it. I don’t want it, Raven. Are you okay?” Larissa asked.
“Yes, I’m fine now.”
“Do you have panic attacks often?”
Raven didn’t know what to say. “I … yes and no. I mean, I think I did, but they’ve stopped for a long time.” She wasn’t going to admit that they stopped because of Carlos. He didn’t get to be part of this.
Larissa stepped toward her and wrapped her arms around her, hugging her. “You’re going to be okay, Raven. We’re going to get through this.”
Tears filled Raven’s eyes. “I don’t think I can handle all this crying. It’s getting too much.”
“Maybe you’ve been locking it in for too long,” Larissa said. “It’s never very good keeping your emotions in check. It just means that you’re saving it all up to explode out.”
Raven took a deep breath.
“Do you miss the club?” Larissa asked.
“Yes.”
“I don’t think Smokey wanted you to leave.”
“I had to.”
“You have to do what is best for yourself,” Larissa said.
“Are you hungry?” Raven asked.
“Yes.”
“Come on, get in. I’ll take us for something to eat.” She closed the door after Larissa climbed into the car and then joined her, sitting behind the wheel. She checked the road to make sure no cars were coming and turned them around, heading back into town. “How did your dad take you going to a concert?”
“It was his idea. He doesn’t want his life to dictate what I do.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, he’s worried that he’s holding me back.”
“And you want to stay in Fort Clover?” Raven asked.
“Yeah, I love it here. I love going to work. I love studying. Going to the diner. The town picnics. It’s a lot of fun.”
Raven loved Fort Clover as well. “I get why you want to stay.”
“You don’t want to leave either?”
“No, I don’t, but I’m going to have to. This is not my place anymore.”
“Because of the club?” Larissa asked.
“Because of a lot of things.” She was going to have to come up with a plan to leave. There was no way she was going to stick around. She had no right to be here. This was the Hell’s Bastards MC territory, and without the club, she had no right to be here.
Driving back into town, Larissa talked about everything and nothing. She asked her about her plans for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year. Not to mention Valentine’s Day.
Raven had no plans. She was going to be pregnant through them all.
Pregnant.
There were moments she forgot that she was pregnant. Whenever she remembered, all she wished for was for her mother to be there to help her.