She shook her head. “I’m good.”
A knock sounded at the door and I went to answer it. Ryder.
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you can come back, Rory.” I couldn’t tell if he was happy or upset. His face wasn’t showing any emotion.
“I wasn’t hiding out in here,” Rory said. “I can’t visit my best friend that I used to live with?”
“Well?” I said, directing my question at Ryder.
“He said he’d do it. But I have to pay him back, and if this doesn’t work, he’s done. Done, done.” I was sure Lucah had said that before, but this time he probably meant it. I knew how he felt. That night at the hospital I’d been done. And Lucah had years of dealing with this, whereas I’d only had months. I couldn’t imagine the toll that would take on a person.
“Well, that means you have to cowboy up and get it done,” I said.
“Did you just say ‘cowboy up’?” Rory asked.
“Yes. You know what I meant.” I really wanted to have a moment alone with Ryder, and Rory seemed to get the hint.
“Well, on that note, I think I’m going to mosey back down the hall. Y’all come back now, you hear?” she said in a terrible Southern accent. I waved at her and Ryder said he’d be back in a few minutes. She shut the door, and we were alone.
“When are you leaving?” I asked as I resisted the urge to throw myself on him and beg him not to go. Colorado was a long way away from Boston. And he’d be in the wilderness, and probably not allowed to use cell phones.
“As soon as possible. There’s a new session that starts next week.” I’d had a feeling it would be that soon but didn’t want to believe it until he said it.
“And are you ready?”
He chuckled. “I have no idea. But that’s part of it, I think.”
I took a few steps toward him and put my arms around his neck. “I’m really happy for you.”
“Thanks. I don’t really know how I feel. Scared shitless, but there’s this peace I feel that I can’t put my finger on. I can’t really explain it, but this feels right. For the first time in a long time, this feels good.”
“I’m going to miss you,” I whispered. That was an understatement.
“I’ll miss you too. We’re only allowed to call home once a week, and it’s supervised. But we’re allowed to write letters. They mail them out every day. So I’ll write you.”
I pulled back so I could see his face.
“You’ll write me?” There was something hopeful about that. Even more hopeful than a phone call or an email.
“Every day, if I can. Even if I have nothing to say.”
My heart squeezed, and I wanted to kiss him so much it hurt.
“I very much doubt you would ever have nothing to say,” I said. He smiled and the urge to kiss him became overwhelming. Every second that I fought it was excruciating.
“The last time I kissed you, I screwed everything up,” he said. “But do you think we could try it again? I mean, I am a man going off into the wilderness for a month. I need something warm to take with me.”
Now I was fighting the desire to roll my eyes.
“You’re not a soldier going off to war and probably not coming back, Ryder.” But I wanted to kiss him anyway.
“So?”
“Will you just let me kiss you?” I opened my mouth to say something else and he shut me up with another kiss. He really had to stop doing that.
This time the kiss wasn’t as sweet and tentative. To his credit, he did give me a chance to push him away before he really went for it.
It was better than the last time. So much better. His lips ignited something inside me that I’d been suppressing for so long, and I was desperate for more. He must have felt my urgency because he plunged his tongue in my mouth and pressed closer, like he was trying to meld us together. I would have been absolutely fine with that.