He shrugged his shoulders and wouldn’t look at me.
“Okay, um, if you want anything, I'm making something.” He definitely wanted to be alone, so I backed out of the room.
“Wait,” he said and I stopped.
“I’m sorry,” he said. I really didn’t want to do this now. I gripped the doorknob and thought about just bolting.
“I fucked things up again and now they’re broken. I can’t say it enough, but I am sorry.” His voice broke and I thought he was going to cry. It made me want to cry. It also made me want to hug him and hold him and not let go. But I couldn’t do that.
“I loved you, you know.” I clamped my mouth shut. I didn’t mean to say that. Oh, why didn’t I have a delete button? I would give anything for it right at this moment.
He finally moved. His arms dropped and he looked at me in shock.
“You loved me?” Well, the cat was out of the bag now, and there was no cramming it back in. I didn’t think he’d buy a temporary insanity plea.
“I did.” Honestly, I didn’t know where I was on the love-o-meter with Ryder. I couldn’t see my feelings with any sort of clarity.
“Right,” he said, crossing his arms. “You loved me and I fucked it up, and now you no longer love me. Well, you wouldn’t be the first and you won’t be the last.”
I was trying to be patient, but he sure knew how to push my buttons. “Don’t be a martyr, Ryder. How can you expect people to keep giving you second and third and fourth chances? Life just doesn’t work that way. You can only take so much before you have to give up.”
His lips twisted into a smile. “That’s right. Giving up. I’m familiar with that too.”
“Sometimes giving up is easier than trying.” My entire family had given up on life. They’d rather not try than try and potentially fail. Much safer that way.
His face went bright red. Now I was pissing him off.
“You don’t fucking know me!” he roared. That flipped my anger switch. I wasn’t going to let him yell at me.
“You wouldn’t let me!” I screamed back.
Someone banged on the door.
“Keep it down in there!” A man yelled. Yet another grumpy neighbor. Our building seemed to be full of nosy and annoying people.
“Mind your own business,” Ryder and I yelled at the exact same time. The guy banged a few more times and then stomped back to his place when Ryder and I didn’t start up our yelling match again.
Instead of yelling, we just glared at each other.
I really should stop looking at him. Being here, in spite of how unbelievably enraged he made me, brought back a lot of memories. The kiss kept replaying, like my brain was skipping or broken or something.
“You loved me?” he asked, his voice soft as if he was almost afraid to ask.
“Yeah,” I said. “I did.” Do. Present tense. I’d thought that with some distance, and by telling myself how much he’d fucked up, the feelings would go away, or at least change to something more rational.
But here with him, alone again, everything good came rushing back. The bad times had been really bad, but the good times? More than epic.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and I laughed. The anger had fizzled now that we’d gotten it out of our systems.
“Yeah, well. All your stupid sexual comments and the way you stared at me must have gotten to me. You bastard.” Now he laughed and scratched his chin. I would not think about what it would be like to kiss him now with the addition of the beard. I would not.
“I guess I’m sorry for that too.”
“You should be.”
I didn’t know what to say now, and he didn’t seem to either.
He coughed.