“No. We met up after that. Remember that night I said I was staying late at work?” I couldn’t remember the exact night, because she did it a lot. But I agreed in the interest of moving things along.
“Well, we met up for a drink. Just a drink. We both wanted more, but I kept hearing your stupid voice in my head telling me that I was making a mistake. He was . . . he’s not like anyone I’ve ever met and I just wanted to be around him. That was why I wanted to hire him. I also thought, maybe I was being naïve, that I could help him. I know what it’s like to have a brother who’s on drugs.”
She blew her nose. Sloane was pretty much the only one in her family that had made something of herself. She had two brothers and both of them had been in and out of jail, one for drugs and the other for drinking and driving.
“I know what it’s like to deal with someone who has substance abuse. That was part of the reason why . . . I don’t know. I guess maybe I’m just trying to fix him.” Most of the guys she’d dated needed fixing, but she’d always taken them as they were and discarded them when they appeared too broken to work in her life anymore.
“You can’t fix someone, Sloane,” Lucah said.
“I know, I know. I guess I was just fooling myself. Believing in the fucking fairytale. Seeing him again today just . . . it hit me like a punch in the face. I can’t help the way I feel. But I’m going to try, and I’m going to stay away from him until he can get himself together.”
She gave me a sad smile and I wanted to cry. Was there anything as awful as a heartbroken friend?
“Aw, it’ll be okay, I promise.” It might not be okay, and I couldn’t really promise, but that was what you said to your friend when she was upset. I started working on her feet even though we’d had massages that morning. Without me having to ask, Lucah got up and started making tea, and made up a snack platter.
“Okay, I’ll do it,” he announced, setting the plate of snacks down. “I will watch the Sex and the City movie.” Sloane had been trying to get him to watch it for several of our movie nights, but he had vetoed, or left the apartment, every time. I couldn’t understand that he could watch nearly every other movie that was considered a chick flick, but he drew he line at that one. Until now.
Sloane smiled and grabbed a cracker topped with jam from the plate.
“If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s working.” I grabbed Lucah’s chin and gave him a quick kiss. He was the best of the best.
We ended up watching the movie, and Lucah declared it, “Not as horrible as I thought it would be,” which was as ringing an endorsement as you could get from him about it.
I ended up walking down the hall with Sloane to her place and staying for a while.
“Are you okay, really?” We sat on the couch and she started playing with my hair.
“I just need to let it go. Some things aren’t meant to be, and this is one of those. I just have to accept it, and move on. I just wish I had someone else to take my mind off it, but then I might make some of my typical bad decisions. I’m just not good at being alone, you know?” I did.
“You know I’m here for you, whenever you need me. I didn’t choose Lucah over you. You’re still my best friend. A guy doesn’t change that.”
“I know.” She finished the braid she’d been working on and tossed it over my shoulder. “I don’t mean to be so needy.”
“You’re not needy.” We both knew that was a lie, but we made a silent agreement not to talk about it.
“Okay, go back to your man. I’m going to be fine.” I wanted to believe her.
“Look, how about we have a sleepover next week, or something? It’ll be like old times.” She smiled and I got up and gave her a hug.
“Sure, that sounds great.”
When I shut the door on Sloane and walked back to be with Lucah, I felt as if I was being torn in half. Like there wasn’t enough of me to give to both of them, so I had to pick and choose who got me. Shared custody.
“Everything okay?” Lucah said when I shut the door. He was already in his boxers, and I was momentarily distracted from my feelings of being pulled apart by the sight of his bare chest, nipple ring and the constellations of freckles scattered all over his skin.
“I miss her. And I feel like when I’m with you, I’m abandoning her. Maybe this whole Ryder thing wouldn’t have happened if I had still been living with her. I could have stopped it somehow.” He came toward me and put his hands on my shoulders.
“You can’t blame yourself for all the bad things that happen. It took me a long time to realize that, and lots of therapy all across the United States.” I knew he was right, but I couldn’t help it. I felt like a shitty friend.
“Maybe we should find a new apartment, rent the one next to it, and then just have an adjoining door.”
He shrugged.
“If that’s what you want, I think we could arrange that.” He was serious. “I understand how important she is to you. When I met Sloane I knew that she was part of the Rory package. The only place I would draw the line is at sharing a bedroom. And no bunk beds.”
I shook my head. That would be way too weird.
“I’ll think about it.” He leaned down and kissed the tip of my nose.