I went back inside and delivered the message to Marisol. She blushed and then rolled her eyes and refused to tell any of us what it was about, no matter how much we pestered her. Oh, and we definitely did, no holds barred, no mercy, but she stuck to her guns and stood her ground. I should take some lessons from her.
I had no problem telling Lucah I loved him and it came out at the oddest times. Once he was just in the kitchen cleaning up when he grabbed a cup and started moving and tapping it, and I was reminded of a game I used to play at camp.
“I love you,” I blurted out as he performed tricks with the cup. I mean, it wasn’t anything you hadn’t seen in a million YouTube videos, but I thought it was pretty awesome.
He just smiled and flipped the cup on the air and caught it behind his back as I clapped.
Love made you easily impressed by things that you wouldn’t normally be impressed with.
The paperweight and mug became regular fixtures at my desk and when anyone asked about them, I just said that a friend had given them to me and let them draw their own conclusions.
We’d somehow found a routine and a pattern, and, of course, as soon as we got used to it, things changed.
~*~*~
Lucah disappeared one Friday afternoon and I couldn’t find him. He went on lunch and didn’t come back. First he was a half hour late. Then an hour. Then two. Then three.
I was trying to stay calm, but inside I was freaking out and picturing all the worst case scenarios and then trying not to do that so I wouldn’t jinx it while still trying to prepare myself for the worst in case it was the worst. I called and texted his cell phone and his home phone and I was about to start calling his favorite lunch places when he called me back.
I shut the door so my hysterics wouldn’t carry down the hall.
“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been going crazy here.”
“I’m so sorry. I just . . . I got busy doing something and I turned my phone off. I’m so sorry, Sunshine. It will never happen again. I didn’t think it was going to take me this long.”
“What? You didn’t think what was going to take you this long? You can’t keep secrets from me and then vanish. I love you and that makes me think that you’re dead on the street somewhere whenever you’re a second late. Loving you makes me into a crazy person, and I would think that you’d understand that.” It took all my strength not to scream at him, and I definitely wiped a few tears away. It was a fine line between angry and relieved. I wanted to throw my arms around him and I wanted to throw my knee into his crotch for doing this to me.
“I’m sorry, Rory. I’ll be back in a few minutes. We’ll talk tonight.” And he hung up on me.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
He thought he had seen my bitch face. Oh, no. He hadn’t seen my bitch face, but he was going to get it.
He hurried in about fifteen minutes later and came right into my office, shut the door and got down on his knees in front of me.
I was torn by the need to make sure he was okay and the need to strangle the life out of him. I did neither. It wasn’t just about not telling me where he was. It was all the secrets. I thought I could deal with them, but I couldn’t. We had keys to each other’s apartments, but there was a corner of his life that he wouldn’t let me in. How can you say you love someone, yet keep secrets from them?
I’d thought of everything it could be. From bodies, to a secret love child, to some sort of kinky sex room, to an obsession with My Little Ponies. Whatever it was, it wasn’t worth hiding.
The only thing was that I didn’t know who he was protecting. Me or himself.
“All I can say is that I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You have no idea how much this kills me. To keep things from you. It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I do. I’ve wanted to say, ‘fuck it’ so many thousands of times, but I can’t. My hands are tied. This is bigger than you and me and I wish I could. But I can’t. I wish I could for you. If anything would make me want to, it’s you, Sunshine.” He was a wreck. His eyes were red, his hair looked like he’d been tearing his hands through it and his suit was all over the place, his tie nearly coming undone, probably from him yanking on it.
I’d never seen him like this, and his honesty made me feel a bit better, but still.
“I love you, and you say you love me, but . . .” He put his hand on my mouth to stop me, and I almost bit his fingers, but let him speak. He was the one who had all the explaining to do.
“I do love you, but this isn’t about us.”
“Are you in the CIA?” I said, and my voice was muffled by his hand. He moved it and I repeated the question.
“I wish, but even if I was, I couldn’t tell you.” He was serious. I’d kind of been joking when I’d asked.
“Are you in the CIA?” I watched to see if his eye twitched or something to give me an indication I was on the right track. Nothing. And still, what would the CIA want with our company? Unless they thought we were funneling money to unsavory characters overseas, or making WMDs in our basement, and I knew that neither of those things was happening. At least I thought so . . .
Now my head was spinning with even more possibilities.
“Shit,” Lucah said.