He didn’t have to know that Alvin had done something to me…right? I didn’t want to make Ryder worry. If there was a way that I could fix this on my own, then everything would be fine.
I knew that I had to tell Ryder, but I wasn’t ready. A part of me, a large part, felt like a failure. I shouldn’t have let Alvin set the ritual up. If I’d put up more of a fight and made more of an effort to destroy the circle, then this wouldn’t have happened. It was my fault, so I had to figure this out on my own.
But I wasn’t alone anymore. That way of thinking had to die if I was going to work with Ryder or my pack again. If I couldn’t trust those around me, then I would never be able to help them in return.
“Ryder,” I sobbed into his chest.
His hand slid down my waist and over my hip. I arched into him without thinking. Pressed against him, I could feel the hard length of him filled with need. I rocked my hips and let the sensations clear my mind for me. Ryder’s body, the need his hands conveyed, shoved all other thoughts out.
I wanted to lose myself in him, but he rested his forehead on my clavicle. His breath came quick, a growl slipping through. He didn’t move, though. He remained there and struggled against himself. His breaths deepened and slowed as he took control of himself.
I curled my hands into fists in his shirt again. He needed to keep going. The worry and guilt slipped back in, taking over my mind. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. I needed Ryder to distract me. He did it a moment ago. If only he could keep going.
But I couldn’t force him to do anything. He had a mate to think about. I couldn’t get between them. That wouldn’t be smart for anyone. Getting closer to Ryder would hurt me in the end. I’d already endured enough pain on my own.
“Ryder,” I said again, my voice a little more under my control again.
He didn’t lift his head, but he grunted in acknowledgement.
“I…Alvin…” I needed to tell Ryder about the ritual. I knew that down to my very bones, but I still didn’t want to place that kind of burden on him right now. Instead, I said, “Alvin told me that he’s killed me before. He killed me, and I got right back up.”
Ryder rose and gave me a worried look. The way his gaze roved over me, as if searching for evidence that I was already dead, bothered me. I looked away from him as my stomach churned.
His grip on me tightened again. The growl of his beast, buried deep within him, rumbled through the room. “He clearly lied, Ness. You don’t have to worry about the words of a madman. Beryl told me that he’s losing his grip on reality. There’s a curse on him that’s eating away at his mind. Don’t listen to him.”
I shook my head. “No. I remember it now. He’s right. Alvin killed me, and I came back. I’m not dead now, and I don’t understand how that happened.”
“If that’s the case, then why has he been trying to kill you? The pack hunt, having Harvey chase you down all the time, none of that makes any sense if he knows you can’t die.” Ryder shook his head.
“Theatrics,” I said. It was a simple explanation.
Alvin wanted to keep me under his control. If he knew that I would not truly die, then he would push me to my limits. He would use pain and fear to control me. I survived only because Alvin had no real desire to kill me, lest I find out that I can’t die.
While that should have given me courage, I hated not knowing anything about myself. Did I have a limited number of lives, like a cat? Or was that a one-time deal? I had no way of knowing. There was no one who could tell me what I was capable of.
“I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle of this,” I said into Ryder’s chest.
He rolled onto his side and pulled me along with him so that I was still tight to his chest. With his chin on top of my head, he said:
“None of this is your fault.”
Those words broke the flood gates. The ice that I’d been holding onto all day finally shattered. Without it, I was weak and fragile. I cried against Ryder while he held me. He said nothing the whole time.
I would give up anything for him. My hound loved him with her whole heart. I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve him, this man who kept risking his life to save me. He was on the run from his own problems, but he kept setting them aside to help me.
He wasn’t mine, though. I couldn’t keep him. I had to settle for this and hope that it lasted. He would leave, eventually. Not just because of his own problems. Ryder had his own mate.
I hated thinking about her like that. As much as I liked Bri as a person, I hated what she’d stolen from me. My beast chose Ryder, but I would never be able to have him because of her.
A scream tried to claw its way out of my throat, but I swallowed it down and let sleep slowly rise to overcome me.
Ryder
Ness was safe.
The moment I closed that door behind us, earlier, I’d lost control. My beast filled me with a single thought, and I’d been incapable of fighting it.
Touch her.