17
Ness
I wokewith the worst hangover of my life. For half a minute, I couldn’t remember what’d happened. I thought I’d drank a little too much with Vi again. She always got me into trouble when she brought the tequila bottle out.
No, that wasn’t what had happened.
The smell hit me first. Rancid and cloying, the smell of burnt hair still lingered in my nose. I shot upright, but the movement made my head spin. The waves in my stomach threatened to rise higher.
While I struggled against the bile rising in my throat, I became aware of someone beneath me. Strong arms held me gently. Were it not for the smell of burnt hair in my nose, I was sure that I would have found Ryder’s scent. It should have comforted me, but the events of the night before still swirled through my mind.
I’d done something horrible.
I didn’t deserve Ryder’s touch.
The smell of ozone and burnt hair sharpened. My stomach clenched tight.
I had to throw myself off Ryder’s lap and stumble into the bathroom before I ruined Cerri’s carpet. Nothing came up, though. I dry heaved over the open toilet until I was tired, and my head pounded. Tears burned my eyes.
I dropped to my knees and sank back, too tired to even hold myself upright. Someone had dressed me in an oversized t-shirt, which I pulled down to cover myself. Lying there, the events of the day slowly came back to me. This had all happened in the same day. I could barely believe it.
First, Ryder had kissed me again. In this state, I could barely imagine myself in that position again, yet my hound pranced excitedly. She told me that things were changing for the better. It was hard to believe right now, when I felt like even the slightest breeze would break me.
Then, Beryl had threatened both Ryder and me. I wanted to believe that we could keep each other safe, but that didn’t seem feasible right now. Nothing did when I’d come so close to leaving the realm of the living.
Finally, Harvey had tried to kill me again. Which was funny, because I was almost certain that he was the one who was dead.
I hadn’t meant to do it.
Tears burned my eyes again. The skin around them ached from trying not to cry.
While Harvey had been a piece of shit, I wasn’t sure he deserved to die like that.
Had I been justified in what I’d done? It’d felt like it at the time. He’d been hurting so many others. If I wanted Alvin dead and gone, then why was this any different? Was it that I’d used my own two hands?
Well, I hadn’t used my hands, but the idea was the same.
I sighed and fell back onto the floor so I could stare at the ceiling. The room swam. There was nothing in my stomach, I’d made sure of that. I laughed when the craving for an iced mocha hit me. My body needed more than coffee, but I clung to my favorite drink like it was a security blanket.
The bathroom door creaked open. I held my breath until Ryder’s large frame stepped into the room with me. This wasn’t the largest room, so he had to stand with one foot on either side of me. I stared up at him and felt more tears rise to the surface.
The look of relief etched into his features didn’t make me feel any better. He twisted and closed the door behind him, locking it in the process. When he bent and picked me up off the floor, I didn’t know what to expect. I certainly didn’t expect him to get into the tub and lie down with me in his lap.
There, I rested my head against his chest. He held me tight, the thrum of his heart betraying the fear he must have felt last night.
“How did I not die?” I asked quietly, in case Cerri was sleeping in another room. “You must have moved lightning fast.”
Ryder huffed a laugh. I could hear the exhaustion in his haggard voice when he spoke.
“You’d be surprised what I’m capable of when your life is on the line.”
The words hit me in the chest. My hound raised her head as joy rolled through her. I couldn’t find the energy to remind her that Ryder would never belong to us. For now, I would let my hound believe whatever she wanted.
I settled into Ryder’s embrace and tried to forget what’d happened. Yet, each time I closed my eyes, I found myself transported to that backyard again. The smell wouldn’t leave me. It gripped me like the cold hands of death. Even when I exhaled, I could feel the ice on my breath.
I didn’t know if I could escape it. Was this a part of my arcana as a Barghest? Or was this the punishment for taking a life?
“Will it always feel like this?” I asked Ryder.