The question falls into the quiet of the kitchen. Damon huffs out a breath. This is close to how it would be if we were trading off shifts, but I’m not working with him anymore. This is a problem that will keep coming up between us until we solve it. Awkwardness tightens my chest and squeezes the air out of my lungs. Our routines are all wrapped up in The Firm. It’s like pricking yourself on the same splinter at the back door of your house. Hurts every time, but until you sand down the wood, make it all right, it’ll never let you rest.
His dark eyes meet mine. “I thought that after what happened, she might withdraw. Close up. I was prepared for the scenario where we’d have to start all over with her therapy and with her trust. But she opened up this morning … I think it would have benefitted her to haveyou here.”
“Where is she?”
“Taking a shower now.”
“I’m going to go over our new arrangement today.” I drag out a chair at the table, taking a seat opposite him.
“What’s the plan?”
“I’ll stay here. Twenty-four seven power exchange. It’ll be easier to be honest, now that I don’t have shifts where I’m done.”
“Staying here?”
I don’t hide my dismay. “We don’t have a choice.”
Damon’s gaze settles behind me by the door, where the duffle bag sits. “You really have feelings for her, don’t you?” he asks.
Without my conscious consent, I answer, “Yes.” My gaze drops and the pad of my thumb runs down the side of my pointer. “I have feelings for her.”
Damon grins across the table and tells me, “Don’t look so damn terrified.”
“I question if she knows what she really wants. If I even know what I really want. Beyond what we’re currently doing.”
“What if what you’re currently doing is enough?” he asks me.
My smirk in response lacks all humor. “We both know this is temporary.” I grind my teeth together rather than adding, I don’t want to fail her. I’m so fucking conflicted with her. Even my Dom side is holding back. She's fragile, everyone is watching and I don't know if once all of this is over that she's still going to want this. She's still mourning her husband... all of it, keeps me on edge when I think about the idea of us. But then I'm with her, and all I can do is fall.
“Who knows this is temporary? You and her?”
“You and I.”
Tapping his knuckles on the table, Damon shakes his head. “I don’t know that.”
“If she didn’t need me, I wouldn’t be here, is what I’m saying.”
“And when she doesn’t need you—”
“Then I’ll be gone.” I finish the statement for him.
“And what if you become her safe place? You ever wonder that?”
“I still don’t know that what I want would be enough for her.”
“I think you’re lying to yourself.”
Rather than engage, I change the subject. “Is there anything you’d suggest I lead her toward today?” Damon cocks his head to the side and looks at me. I add, “I thought I’d spoil her tonight and we can lay out terms.”
“Just one thing, be careful.”
“I’m careful with her. Maybe too careful.”
“Not just with her. Be careful, Zander.”