“It’s so warm,” she whispered.
“It’s warm because I burn for you, baby girl.” I closed my hand over hers and showed her how tight to grip me, when to go slow and speed up. No pleasures, no success, no high I’d experienced before that moment, could compare to how fucking incredible it felt to have Astrid’s fist around my cock. Then she leaned down and licked my cock head, and I nearly came all over her face and chest. In hindsight, I probably should have, because when I eased her down onto my dick, I wasn’t wearing a rubber.
I held her still, with my cock inside her, for what felt like hours, letting her muscles get used to me. It was torture not to thrust, but it didn’t seem fair that an act that brought me pleasure should cause her discomfort. I waited for her body to relax and then encouraged her hips to rock.
Slowly. Barely moving at all.
And all the while, she called me Daddy.
Yeah, it was fucked up, but I loved hearing her say it, especially while I was inside her. It was like she’d pulled the curtain back on a twisted, shadowy, Oz-version of me that was getting off on the fact that I’d taught this girl how to ride a bike, and now I was teaching her how to ride my cock.
But now isn’t the time to be picturing Astrid bouncing up and down on my lap, panting and sweating—
“Finn, you still with us, man?” Pavan asks.
“Hmm?” I glance up from my beer to find more than a few family members eyeing me curiously.
I’m pretty sure Pavan’s daughter, Leena, knows what happened, if the stink-eye she’s hurling my way is any indication. She appears to be the only one in the know, however, which doesn’t surprise me considering she and Astrid have always been close. I didn’t ask Astrid not to tell anyone about that night. To be honest, I half expected Elaine and Terry to greet me at the door with Jamie’s old hunting rifle.
“I’m good,” I tell Pavan. “Just dog tired.”
“The rock-star lifestyle’s going to run you ragged, my friend.” He shoots me a conspiratorial wink. Somehow Pavan’s gotten it into his head that I spend my days drinking and my nights doing blow and drowning in pussy. Truth is, I’m all work and no play down in Nashville. The atmosphere in my studio is one of focused intention, just relaxed enough to foster creativity. If a recording session does somehow turn into a party, I hang back and observe. Astrid was the first woman I’d been with in years, and I haven’t so much as flirted with anyone since we were together.
I let Pavan believe what he wants, since he clearly enjoys living vicariously through his fantasy. To answer his initial question, physically speaking? Yes, I am here. Hard as a fucking rock in a restaurant surrounded by my nearest and dearest.
But mentally and emotionally, I’m still on that playground.
I don’t remember the servers returning, but suddenly, there’s a steak in front of me. Dory’s almost halfway through her beer. I down a few glugs of my own drink to catch up, and to try and get a grip on myself. When I set my glass down, my hand comes away wet from the condensation.
Wet and cold like the sweat on Astrid’s back after we climbed down from the play structure...
“Astrid,” Elaine says, “did you see they have salmon tartare on the menu?”
I use her mom’s questioning as an excuse to glance in her direction.
She shakes her head. “I’m not that into raw salmon these days.”
“What are you talking about? You love salmon, it’s your favorite kind of sushi—”
“Can you pass the bread basket, Aunt Elaine?” Leena asks.
The cousins share a look that I don’t fully understand. I suspect Astrid’s on some kind of diet that she doesn’t want to discuss, not that she needs to be on one. She’s the most beautiful girl in the room wherever she goes. I’ve loved her with my whole heart from the day she was born, and I left that heart behind the night I put her to bed, jumped in my truck, and peeled out of town with my tail between my legs.
There’s no point in sugarcoating it; I fucked up royally. At the time, it was the only move that made sense. I wasn’t ready to face what I’d done to the girl whose knees I used to stick Hello Kitty Band-Aids on. Not only had I broken the promise I made to Jamie, but I’d betrayed Astrid’s trust. There’s no excuse for a man my age acting on his impulses where a girl like her is concerned. I’d kept those impulses at bay for a long time, even when her gaze and body language begged me to act. I lost control. I forgot who we were to each other, and she paid the price with her innocence.
But the thing is, I’ve had a lot of time to think about what happened between us on that playground. When it comes down to it, I don’t regret sleeping with Astrid. I made the worst mistake of my life, leaving the way I did, which is why I’m here instead of reaching for any excuse not to celebrate Christmas with the family. I owe Astrid a monumental apology, and as soon as I can get her alone, I’m gonna swallow my guilt, get down on my knees, and ask her forgiveness.
I have no idea how receptive she’ll be, and I sure as shit don’t know if we can ever go back to what we were before that night. Part of me hopes we can’t, because I’d prefer to become something more.
Once the dinner dishes have been cleared, it’s on to Dory’s favorite course: dessert. She asks if I’ll split the flourless chocolate torte with her, and I say sure, knowing I’ll give her most of it. Astrid orders a scoop of gelato, but passes on after-dinner coffee.
If there’s one truth we all know about Astrid, it’s that she loves coffee. I used to have to watch my cup like a sentinel around her when she was little, because the second I turned my head, she’d drink half of it and be bouncing off the walls. I can’t say I’ve ever heard of a diet that eschews coffee but allows gelato.
“Wow,” Terry says. “Astrid’s turning down coffee. I’m pretty sure Hell hath frozen over.”
Astrid shrugs. “My stomach isn’t feeling that great.”
“You should try the hot tub,” Dory says.