The Alex problem.
That’s how I’m thinking of my own brother.
I almost laugh at the feeling of surprise which touches me. It’s as though I think I haven’t been thinking of him like that ever since this started.
It’s like I didn’t start thinking of my brother in those terms the moment he came between me and my man, the first time he ever interrupted us.
But this just drives it home; it makes me really appreciate how far I’ve fallen.
He’s my brother and I’m hiding from him.
Without really realizing it, I’m on my feet when Ben opens the door to the gym. I’m pacing up and down, my heart slamming in my chest, my nerves alight as I try to accept what we just did… no, what I just did.
Only one of us hid.
“Becca bee, stop buzzing around,” Ben says firmly, walking over and placing his hands on my shoulders.
“Was it awful?” I ask.
His jaw tightens, his glinting eyes telling me everything I need to know.
It humiliated him. He hates me for making him do it, for making him lie to his friend, but then I see him forcibly push all of that away.
“I understand why you couldn’t tell him.”
“Fine, yes. Thank you. You’re very understanding. But that’s not what I asked.”
He swallows, glancing to the corner of the room, at the window, as though he’s thinking about escaping.
“Yes, it was pretty goddamn horrible. I won’t lie… well, that’s not true, is it? Because I did lie to Alex.”
“You lied?”
He laughs gruffly. “Okay, not outright. But I didn’t tell him his sister was hiding in my gym. Maybe I could tell myself that isn’t a lie, just an omission of truth, but there isn’t any just when it comes to this. It’s not just anything. Everything makes me feel dirty, wrong, like a goddamn traitor.”
I reach out instinctively, placing my hand on his chest, and squeeze down. He touches my hand, applying some pressure, letting me feel his heartbeat, frantic like mine.
“I feel so terrible,” I murmur. “I honestly thought I could do it.”
“You can,” he says gruffly. “You have to. We can’t go on like this.”
“I know,” I whisper, not sure if I believe him.
He’s right that we can’t go on like this. But the rest of it, about needing to tell him, about being able to… I’m not sure I can.
It’s like my throat is going to close, my ability to speak cut off if I even think about mentioning it.
“What are your plans for the day?” I ask, changing the subject.
“I’ve got a few calls to make,” he says. “But otherwise, nothing urgent. I can move everything until tomorrow.”
Despite everything – and this really must be magic – I find myself smiling. It’s like Ben makes it possible to forget about how bad this all is. He can make it feel so good.
“Are you saying we can hang out?”
His lips are flat, his eyes glimmering for a moment. It’s like he’s going to ask why I’m behaving in such an upbeat way after what just happened.
Then I see it, the moment he also accepts this new phase in the day, silently agreeing to forget about Alex for now.
We can’t run forever.
But we can run for a little while.