“No, it’s not that. It should have been that. For both of us, Ben. You know that, right?”
“I know that,” I agree, nodding shortly. “I thought the same. I should have been thinking about how wrong it is, how we should stop, but I couldn’t, I can’t.”
“Why?” she asks.
I turn away, looking out at the night’s darkness. My thumb moves over her knuckles, one by one. She makes the softest moaning noise, so quiet I wonder if I’ve imagined it.
There’s no way I can tell her the total truth.
“You’re too sexy, too beautiful, too you, Becca. That’s the truth.”
“And it’s worth throwing your friendship away?” she says, her tone tight. “For one night of sex in a cabin?”
I snap my gaze back to her. My lip curled. My heartbeat drumming.
“A night of sex?” I snarl. “Who said that’s all I wanted from you?”
She flinches, sitting back, but she doesn’t let go of my hand. She digs her fingernails in harder as if she never wants to let go.
“Well, isn’t it?” she asks.
“No, Becca, it isn’t. I’m not sure exactly what’s happening between us, but it isn’t that.”
That’s the most I can say without outright lying. I’m not sure exactly what’s happening here, fine, but I’ve got a pretty good idea.
She was made for me, everything was carved just for me, her whole being, her personality, her body, and her soul.
“That makes this more complicated, doesn’t it?” she murmurs.
“I could never use you for one night of sex,” I say fiercely. “It’s true. You make me wild. I'm sure I sounded like a madman because of the stuff I was saying to you when we were getting hot. But that doesn’t mean it’s all I want.”
“The stuff you said…I liked it. I’d like anything you said – anything that showed how much you want me.”
“You like feeling wanted, do you?”
“Only by you, Ben.”
We hold onto each other’s hands more tightly, staring into each other’s eyes. I wonder if this would be a good moment to tell her, but something stops me, the thought of tearing this apart before it begins.
But it has already begun.
It started before the wedding before she returned to England.
“So, you know when I was away,” Becca says, letting go of my hand and walking over to the sink. It’s like she wants to purposefully turn her back to me. “In England, I mean.”
“Yeah,” I say, remembering the sleepless nights, staring at the ceiling and imagining my Becca.
“Did you…you know, with anybody else?”
“No,” I say fiercely, almost roaring it. “I didn’t even talk to another woman. I spent the time working, Becca bee, which is pretty much all I do when I’m not with you. In fact, you’re the only person who’s ever been able to make me slow down. Being with you, I’m not constantly thinking of all the other stuff I should be doing. I consider that a damn miracle.”
She looks over her shoulder, smiling.
Another miracle – my lust-driven mind doesn’t immediately imagine steamy scenes. They’re always there, but right now, it’s more about the warmth and emotion. I return her smile as best I can.
“That makes me feel pretty freaking special,” she says softly.
“It should. I appreciate it a lot.”