“Look what I found,” they’ll say, holding the camera up. “Mommy, Daddy, look.”
My heart feels like it’s going to melt when I imagine those words.
Mommy. Daddy.
We’re going to be a family.
Stopping at the edge of the pond, I watch the ducks float across the water, the small ripples produced by their movements.
There’s no way to know Ben feels the same about our future, but he probably doesn’t. How could he? It’s such a crazy thought to want a family after so little time together.
Except it isn’t…not for me, not when I’ve crushed on him for so freaking long.
But he’d have to be insane to want all of that so soon for himself.
With his best friend’s sister.
After one kiss.
Maybe it’s these thoughts that send me toward the park’s exit without taking a single photograph. I can’t stop thinking about how much better this would be if I was living my fantasy life, the make-believe existence that could never actually happen.
Ben could reach out to me if he wanted. He could message me on social media. He could even get my phone number from Alex and call me.
But he doesn’t. He hasn’t.
Because we agreed to end this.
During our conversation at the bar at the wedding, we all but said it. If it wasn’t for the fact destiny keeps throwing us together – the garden, the fountain, Alex’s apartment – we’d never see each other again.
Okay, that’s not true.
We’d still attend parties together, and Alex’s family events. Ben’s still going to be there, always…and maybe one day he’ll find a woman, settle down, and start the life I can’t stop dreaming about.
How the heck am I going to handle seeing Ben with somebody else?
At the thought, my whole body stiffens. It’s like there’s a bomb inside me, ticking down to that moment – the second I see Ben with his arm around another woman, smiling contentedly.
And then maybe he’ll glance my way, and a hazy look will come into his eyes, a sort of how-did-I-ever-kiss-her look.
I’ll melt, recede into the background, and hide behind my camera like I always do.
When I return home, I find Mom and Dad sitting at the kitchen table. It’s the same way they were sitting when Dad told me we were moving to England. Mom has her important face on, and she’s wringing her hands. Dad is staring down at the table, chipping at it with his finger.
When I enter, they turn to me.
Dad’s face drops. He lets out a short sigh.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, sitting down.
I hope the warble of fear in my voice isn’t as obvious to them as it is to me.
They can’t know, can they?
Unless Ben decided to tell Alex, maybe the guilt became too much, and he had to unload to beg for his best friend’s forgiveness. Maybe it was the thought of the wedding, how we almost kissed on Alex’s special day…or the fact we completed our betrayal in his apartment.
Pathetically, my mind starts frantically searching for excuses for anything that would make this okay. But nothing ever could. I can’t try to reason my way out of this. Ben and I should never have kissed. It’s simply not acceptable.
I sit up straight, telling myself I’ll take whatever they throw my way. I deserve it. Even if it means the end for me and Ben. Even if the very thought makes me want to scream.