My mouth is dry. I think she knows where I’m going with this.
Classic June, seeing right through me.
“Yeah,” I mutter.
“You obsessed about him. I remember when you left, you said the only positive thing was that maybe you’d stop being so crazy over him.”
I swallow. “Yep.”
“So…I’m guessing that crush hasn’t gone away?”
I face the garden again, watching as butterflies flutter through the air, their wings bright in the spring sunlight.
Then my mind flits, and I remember the last time I saw Ben instead.
My brother’s best friend, Ben, is the best man for his upcoming wedding.
In two days, he’s going to be standing at the altar with my big brother, and yet I can’t stop thinking about him.
I was fourteen, Alex was twenty-nine, which means Ben would’ve been thirty-one.
He’d waited at the car outside as Alex came to say his final goodbyes that last day before we moved. Sneaking to the window, I’d peered out, watching as he leaned against the car with his arms folded.
His hair was turning a little silver back then, but it wasn’t the full iron it is now. His shoulders were wide in his T-shirt, showing the rippling muscles of his arms, his forearms tense.
His eyes were dark and broody as he watched the house.
I started thinking he wanted a family, a home in my frantic teenage mind. And maybe I could give it to him one day if he could see past my curviness, shyness, dorkiness…or whatever else, whatever it was that made boys either tease or look right through me.
I imagined walking out there and his dark eyes turning down to me.
“Don’t leave,” he’d say in his husky voice. “Stay with me.”
But obviously, he never would’ve done that. I was only fourteen.
Now…
There’s nothing stopping us except for the fact Alex would hate me forever.
“The crush hasn’t gone away,” I say after a long pause. “And I keep thinking silly things.”
“Like what?” she asks.
“Like maybe since I’m grown-up now, he might notice me. Like maybe something could happen. But what if Alex found out? Ben isn’t just his best friend, his best man…he’s his business partner too. It would make Alex’s life so messy.”
“Have you seen him?” June asks.
“I saw Alex last night, after our flight. But Ben wasn’t with him.”
June looks at me, her eyes softening.
“Do you think I’m pathetic?” I ask. It’s something in her expression. “I know I should’ve moved on. I know it was a silly girlish crush. I get all of that.”
“I didn’t say any of that,” June mutters. “It’s just well, try not to get your hopes up. Ben must be in his forties now.”
“He’s thirty-nine,” I say, a little too testily.
It’s like I think I need to defend an age gap that doesn’t matter anyway. It would only matter if Ben was interested, which he’s obviously not going to be.