LUNA
When I wokeup the following morning, I didn’t bother putting on makeup or styling my hair. It would have been a lie, a mask to conceal the pain I’d been feeling the past several days. I didn’t want to hide it. I wanted him to see, because it was the only way I could make sure he’d believe what I had to say.
I ditched the sweats I’d been living in for days and opted for a pair of black cigarette pants and a white button-down, but there was no jewelry, no embellishments. This was bare-bones Luna.
The thought of what I was about to do scared the living hell out of me, but I didn’t have a choice. My friends were right. Evan was right. Georgia was right. I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than I had over the past week, and I couldn’t keep living that way. I needed to be brave. I couldn’t shield myself from pain, not if it meant giving up something that meant everything to me.
By the time I pulled up in front of the office, my knees were shaking so badly I worried I’d fall face first onto the walkway and make a fool of myself. It was only by sheer determination that I managed to make it inside in one piece.
I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I’d been so nervous. My heart was beating so hard I thought Nate might actually be able to hear it.
Moving past the waiting room, I dropped my purse onto my desk and headed straight for the break area at the back. With shaking hands, I fixed Nate’s morning cup of coffee just how he liked it.
My whole body trembled so badly I was afraid I’d spill the coffee down the front of my shirt, but somehow, I made it through the open door of the office unscathed. I didn’t bother knocking, I simply stepped inside and moved toward his desk, my eyes pinned to him the whole way. He didn’t look up, but I knew he felt me the moment I walked in by the way his spine went rigid and his shoulder stiffened.
I closed the distance between us, the fragrance of leather and cloves, that sweet hint of tobacco, invading my senses as I set the coffee cup on his desk. I took a single step back clasping my hands in front of me to hide how nervous I was.
“I didn’t know my father,”I started, figuring it best to go back to the very beginning. “He left before I was old enough to realize I was supposed to miss him. I don’t know why, I don’t know who he was or where he went, but I’ve never missed him. I never felt like I was missing out on anything by not having a dad. My mom, on the other hand, didn’t handle it so gracefully.” I shook my head and smiled brittlely. “She’s one of those women who’s incapable of being single. She needs to be taken care of her; the problem is, the men she picks usually aren’t up for the task. My mom has a very distinct type. If you’re a loser, a worthless waste of air, or a blight on humanity, you’re her type. But that doesn’t stop her from pouring everything she is, everything she has, into those lousy relationships. She gives them everything, so there was never anything left over for me.
“When I was fourteen, her boyfriend at the time came into my room while I was sleeping.” The air around me went electric, fire danced in Nate’s eyes. But he didn’t move, he didn’t say a word. He simply waited for me to finish.
“He didn’t do anything. He didn’t get the chance. I woke up as soon as he sat on the edge of my bed. He reached out and pulled the covers down. He talked about how beautiful I was. He said I had a young woman’s body, and it made him feel things.
“I knew if I didn’t get out of there something bad was going to happen, so I jumped up and ran as fast as I could. I ran to my mom’s room. I told her what happened, what he did, what he said, how he made me feel.” A bitter, manic laugh bubbled up in my throat. “And do you know what she said? She said if I hadn’t been flaunting myself in front of him, he wouldn’t have done what he did, that I’d been asking for it. She blamed me, a child no older than Evan, for a grown man behaving in such an obscene way. She accused me of being jealous of her, of wanting her man, her life. I made myself a promise right then and there that I would never, ever be like her.
“That wasn’t the first piece of shit she brought around, and it was far from the last. I was more vigilant after that. I kept my bedroom door locked, kept a chair propped under the knob. I never felt unsafe again after doing that, but everything changed that night. I finally saw my mother for what she really was. I realized I would never be enough for her, and I would always come last to the men in her life, no matter how terrible they were.
“I had a pretty sizable nest egg before my company went under. I’d saved up enough that, if the worst happened, I’d be able to get by for a while until I got my feet back under me. But every time one of her boyfriends dumped her, my mother would come calling, and like an idiot, I would bail her out. Over and over again, like I was a fucking glutton for punishment or something. I wanted so badly for her to love me; I gave her what she asked for, thinking maybe she’d stick around that time. But she never did.”
Nate spoke then, his voice low and raspy. “Then the worst happened, and when you needed her she wasn’t there.”
I didn’t realize I’d started crying until one of the tears dripped off my chin and onto my hands. I let out a watery laugh and batted at my cheeks. “Yep. Pretty much. The last chunk of money I’d given her was a loan for cosmetology school so she could learn a trade and maybe start taking care of herself. Turns out, she gave it to her boyfriend and his buddy. Guess whatever they had going on was more important than trying to better herself.
“That’s the guy you mentioned on that call?”
“Yep,” I said bitterly. “The love of her life. Guess why she called me that day?”
Nate stood then, rounding his desk and resting his hips back against the edge as he crossed his arms over his broad chest. “I don’t have to guess. After that story you just told me, it’s pretty obvious.”
“As sad as it is, my mom and Evan’s would be tied in a competition for world’s shittiest parent.”
“I’m sorry, Luna.”
“It’s okay.” I shook my head and pulled in a fortifying breath. “I mean it’s not, not really. But I didn’t tell you all of that because I want you to feel sorry for me.”
Those stormy sea eyes burned into me. “Then why did you tell me?”
“Because I want you to understand why I am the way I am, why I was determined to never have a relationship or make a commitment.”
His brows went up and I knew the moment he caught on to what I’d just said.
“Was?” he asked, stressing that one word.
“Well, I couldn’t very well speak in the present tense. Not when I’ve gone and fallen in love with you.”
His nostrils flared. He reached down to grip the edge of his desk, his knuckles turning white like he was fighting back the desire to reach out and grab me. “Say it again,” he grunted.
The words came much easier the second time, and I had hope that maybe one day I could say them as easily as he did. “I’m in love with you. I want to give you all of me. I know I’ll screw up from time to time, so you’re going to need to bear with me, but I want to give you everything.”