The hardest thing I’d ever done in my life was keep my mouth shut and not talk shit about my daughter’s mother to or around her. Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly hate the woman more, the woman I’d once pledge to love until death parted us, she did something to prove there was a whole new level of hate I hadn’t even reached yet.
“Honey, I—” I didn’t know what to say, how to make it better, how to make up for the fact that her mother was a raging, despicable bitch. I wish I could have told her she was better off, but I couldn’t talk about her mom that way without hurting her, no matter how true it was. “I wish I knew what to say to stop the pain. If I could, I’d take it all away.”
Those big blue eyes, the ones I’d fallen head over heels for twelve years ago, lifted to meet mine. “She’s doing this because she’s mad at me. She wanted me to choose her over you. She wanted to win. But I didn’t do that, so she’s mad.”
Feeling my nails digging into my palms, leaving crescent shapes indents in my skin, I worked to unclench my fists. “Did she actually say that to you?”
She shook her head. “No. Not right out. But I know her. That sad thing is, it almost worked. I let her get to me, I let her scare me. That’s why I was such a brat for so long.” Her bottom lip trembled, nearly doing me in. “Daddy, I’m really sorry.”
She collapsed against me. “Oh, hey. Hey now.” I held on tight, running my hand over her silky blonde hair. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.” It felt like someone had shoved their fist into my chest and squeezed my heart. Anticipation lashed at my skin. This felt big, like the breaking point I’d desperately been trying to get us to for the better part of a year. “Can you tell me what you were scared of?”
“Th-that you’ll stop l-loving me the way you stopped loving h-her,” she confessed on a broken sob. “I know I’m not your real daughter, not by blood, or whatever, and I was scared that you’d decide to give me up too.”
Everything inside of me broke in that very moment. Nothing worked the way it was supposed to. My heart shattered, my lungs couldn’t pull in enough air. It would have hurt less if I’d lain down in the middle of traffic and let a goddamn semi run over me.
“Evan.” My voice was jagged, like I’d just gargled with gravel. “Honey, is that what you really think?”
She pulled the sleeves of her hoodie over her hands, curling her fists tight and wiping at more tears. “Not anymore. But I did for a little while because I let Mom get in my head. After the divorce went through, she said we weren’t a family anymore, and you’d probably meet another woman you’d want to have your own kids with and I should expect you wouldn’t have time for me anymore.”
I’d never felt such white hot, intense rage in all my life, rage that could consume me until I was nothing but a vibrating ball of fury, in danger of destroying everything in my path. My skin was crawling.
“That is never going to happen. Do you understand me?” At the deep, angry rumble in my voice, her head shot up, her wide eyes jerking to me. “Whether or not I meet another woman and have more kids, you will alwaysbe my daughter, and I will always have time for you. Nothing will ever change that.”
“But—”
“No buts,” I interrupted. “I can’t begin to understand why your mom thought it was okay to say something like that to you, but whatever is eating at her bad enough to make her to say something so cruel to her own child is her problem to deal with, not yours, and not mine. You are my daughter, Evan; you have been from the moment I first laid eyes on you. The first time you lifted your chubby little arms because you wanted me to pick you up, I was a goner. It’s the closest to love at first sight I’ve ever come, sweetheart. No one and nothing will ever change that. You’re my kid, and that will remain true until the earth stops spinning.”
She smiled. It was small and trembled with emotion, but it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in all my life. “I love you too,” she said softly. “Just in case you weren’t sure because I’ve been acting like such a jerk for so long.”
“I know, honey,” I said, pulling her in for another hug, needing desperately to hold her and remind myself she was mine, she was here with me, healthy, and on her way to happy. “I never doubted that. Even when you were acting like a little jerk. And screw tradition. If you want, I’ll team up with you to work on that dance. You just say the word and I’ll make it happen. I’m a lawyer, so if anyone tries to fight me, I’ll grind them to dust.”
She let out a little giggle that worked wonders in loosening the knot that had been twisting in my chest. “I was thinking I’d ask Luna. But thanks.”
“Any time.”
There were a few beats of silence before she spoke again. “Um, Dad?”
“Yeah, kiddo?”
“Do you think you could maybe let me go? I’m pretty hungry, and the food smells really good.”
* * *
I stood on the balcony,a cigar in one hand, a glass of scotch in the other. By the time Evan had gone to bed, she’d been my bright, happy girl once again. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to let go quite so easily.
I still held that anger, that white-hot rage, churning in my gut as I stared at the ebony ocean in the distance. There was only one person I wanted to talk to, one person I wanted to vent everything I felt so I didn’t have that goddamn two-ton weight sitting on my chest.
I didn’t let myself overthink it as I set my glass down and picked up my cellphone, scrolled to her number, and hit the green button.
It rang three times, and I started to think maybe she was asleep and wouldn’t answer, when the call suddenly connected and Luna’s velvety voice came through the line. “Nate?”
Just that was enough to relieve some of that weight. “Hey.” My own voice came out gruff and low. “Did I wake you?”
“No, I was just lying in bed, reading. Is everything okay? You sound different than normal.”
“Not really, no.” I puffed on the cigar in my hand for a moment before snuffing it out in the ashtray and reaching for my glass.
“Are you smoking a cigar right now?”