“Oh, and just so you know, I don’t like fish.”
Son of a bitch.
* * *
It was late,Evan was in bed for the night, and the sun had long since been swallowed by the ocean when I stepped out on the balcony with my cellphone and a cigar. The night was quiet enough for me to hear the swell of the waves crashing against the shore.
I stood at the railing and lit the cigar until the tip glowed a warm amber in the darkness. I puffed a few times, holding the smoke in my mouth before slowly blowing it out into the salt breeze.
I’d forgotten how peaceful the nights were in Whitecap. Having lived in the city for so long, I’d gotten used to the constant noise, no matter the time of day. The quiet could have been disconcerting if I hadn’t let myself embrace it.
I took another puff, forming my lips into an O to blow the smoke out in a perfect ring as I stared at the black-as-night water in the distance. The moon hung big and bright in the sky, the glow of it splattered across the tops of the moving waves, making it look like a painting that had come to life. I could have stood there for hours, easily losing myself to the rhythmic crash of the surf, unfortunately, that wasn’t a luxury I had at the moment.
Knowing what needed to be done, despite how fucking much I dreaded it, I lifted my phone and scrolled through the numbers I had stored until I reached the one I’d been looking for.
With a resigned sigh, I hit go and lifted the phone to my ear as I took another puff from my cigar.
The call connected, and a moment later, my ex-wife’s voice came through the line. “Nate?”
“Hey. I didn’t wake you, did I?”
“No, it’s fine. I’m just getting ready to head out in a few minutes.”
Since I had yet to change out of my work clothes, I looked down at the watch still on my wrist with a frown. “Christ, Amber, it’s nearly eleven on a Wednesday night. Where the hell could you be going so damn late?”
“What do you care?” she asked in a brittle, biting tone. “It’s none of your damn business anymore what I do with my life. We’re divorced, remember?”
Oh, I remembered, I couldn’t possibly forget. Because ending our marriage had been my idea, an idea she’d disagreed with passionately, she’d gone out of her way to make the whole goddamn thing as painful as possible, dragging the process out just to keep her claws in me as long as she could.
It shouldn’t have come as a surprise when I told her I was moving out and filing for divorce. It wasn’t as if either of us had been happy in our marriage for a long time. Truth was, I should have ended it years earlier, but I hadn’t, for the same reason Amber was caught off guard when I finally called time of death. Because of Evan.
I stayed in that toxic relationship for as long as I had because I hadn’t wanted to lose my daughter. Hell, if I was honest, Evan was the only reason I’d married Amber in the first damn place. That wasn’t to say I hadn’t loved my wife at one time, but my love for her daughter had been first, most, and instantaneous. The moment Amber had introduced me to that little girl with yards of tangled blonde hair and blue eyes too big for her face, I’d been a goner.
Amber’s and my relationship probably would have fizzled long before ever getting to the altar had it not been for that little girl. She’d dug herself so deep under my skin, there was no getting her out. She became mine in every way that mattered. I knew the only way I could remain her father was if I made things official with Amber, so I had, then I’d turned right around and made Evan legally mine.
She’d been my daughter from the moment I met her, and despite of how rough the past year had been, I loved her as much today, if not more, than I’d loved her back then. She was the only human on the planet I’d step in front of a bullet for. Amber knew how much I loved our daughter, and she counted on that to be enough to keep me around, even though the love between us had fizzled to nothing years and years before I found the nerve to end it.
The divorce had taken a year to finalize, thanks to Amber jerking me around, fighting the custody agreement, and even going so far as to try and have my adoption of Evan overturned. It had been a tough year for my baby girl, but I told myself once it was all said and done, the three of us would find a way to work on building our new normal. Only, that hadn’t been the case. For the past year after the divorce was finalized, Evan had started on this downward spiral that eventually ended with our move to Whitecap, but before that, her mom had all but washed her hands of her own flesh and blood, making an already bad situation that much worse.
I let out a sigh, closed my eyes, and pinched the bridge of my nose to tamp back my frustration. “Look, I didn’t call to fight.”
“Then why did you call?” she sniped.
Jesus, this woman. “I called because Evan’s having a tough time, and I thought maybe it would help to hear from her mom.”
Amber’s tone came out cold and uncaring as she said, “I told you, until she gets her act together, I have nothing to say to her.” It was just one of the shining examples of the woman she was, the woman I’d blinded myself to in the beginning of our relationship, all so I could keep Evan as a part of my life. Amber had always been apathetic toward her daughter, something that never sat well with me and had caused the bulk of our fights. Well, that and her jealousy. The woman was so narcissistic she couldn’t stand it when she thought I paid more attention to our kid than to her.
If I could have reached through the phone right then and rung her neck, I gladly would have. “You ever stop to think that maybe part of her problem is her own mom doesn’t seem to give two shits about her?”
“Of course,” Amber snapped. “Blame me, just like always. Everything is my fault. Do you ever stop to think that maybe she wouldn’t be acting out if you hadn’t ripped our family apart?”
The laugh I let out was so bitter it burned my throat on the way up. “Oh, give me a fucking break. You couldn’t give a damn about keeping our family together. The moment I agreed to the settlement your lawyer proposed, you were all too happy to sign on the dotted line. All you ever gave a shit about was money. It’s why you fought the divorce as long as you did, holding out to see how much you could squeeze out of me.”
“If I was so terrible, why the hell did you stay married to me as long as you did, huh?”
I stubbed the cigar out with more force than necessary as I ground out, “Don’t ask stupid questions. You know the goddamn answer to that already.”
“You always loved her more than me,” she seethed through the line, sounding like a whiny, petulant child.
“Damn right. Because she’s my daughter, and like it should be with every parent, my kid comes first, above all else. Obviously, that’s a lesson you never learned.” I shook my head in disappointment, my shoulders suddenly feeling heavy. “Christ, you are so fucking selfish.”
Her voice had a razor-thin edge to it when she responded, her words cutting. “Then, by your way of thinking, if I’m such a terrible mom, Evan’s better off without me.”
“I didn’t say that,” I gritted, anger creating a red film over my eyes. “I never said that; don’t put fucking words in my mouth.” But I couldn’t lie and say I wasn’t thinking it. However, better off or not, Evan loved her mother, whether or not their relationship was healthy.
“You know what? I don’t have time for this,” Amber clipped into the phone. “I have plans, and they don’t include another lecture from you. You wanted her so damn bad, now she’s yours; handle it.”
With that, she hung up, leaving me wondering for the millionth time how I’d ever managed to love someone who loved themselves above all else.