Chapter Sixteen
A few hours later,I find myself curled around something warm and solid. My chest is pressed up against a firm back, my arm pulled around a smooth chest. We are both entirely naked. Beyond the closed door I can hear the sound of laughter in the kitchen and the smell of Christmas dinner being served up a few hours later than anticipated. I open my eyes to find myself looking at Hudson’s beautiful dragon tattoo, which spreads across the entire span of his back. It’s the first time I’ve really been able to study it. Apart from the startling green eyes of the dragon, the tattoo is drawn with black ink. It is so beautifully done, so intricate, it could almost be real. I look into the eyes of the dragon, at the strength, the determination, and I know that I am looking right at a piece of Hudson’s soul. Whoever the artist is, they have certainly managed to capture the essence of Hudson in that image. I press my lips against the centre of his back, just on top of the dragon’s head, then gently try to remove myarm.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Hudson’s sleepy voice responds. He catches my hand, entwining his fingers withmine.
I smile into the crook of his neck. “I thought you were still sleeping, I didn’t want to wakeyou.”
He turns around to face me. Sleep has messed up his hair and crumpled his face a little, but he is still gorgeous, more so, for a little of the barrier he once seemed to have has fallen away. My heart does a silly flip-flop as he smiles lazily at me, the green of his eyes twinkling withmischief.
“You can always wake me up like this, Louisa,” he says, lifting his hand to move away a fallen strand of hair that has slipped across mycheek.
Between us I feel the stirrings of his desire grow once again. I bite my lip, remembering how it felt to have him inside me, remembering how it felt to be adored by them, these men who are chipping at the ice surrounding my heart. I still can’t quite believe I actually slept with them all. I barely have sex, let alone three men in oneafternoon.
“How long have we been asleep?” I ask, suddenly feeling the need to change the subject. Images of my mother and her whoring herself out begin to blacken my thoughts. I am not like her, this is different. It feelsright.
“A couple hours,” he smiles, but it slips from his face when he sees that I don’t return it. Urgh, why does my mum have to enter my thoughts now. Even when she isn’t around, she manages to spoileverything.
“Louisa, what’swrong?”
“Nothing,” I say quickly, trying to pull out of his arms, but he tightens his hold onme.
“Hey, don’t do that,” he says. “Tell me.” He waits for me to speak, giving me a moment to gather mythoughts.
“I was thinking about my mum. The way she is with men. They use her, and she lets them. I don’t want to be like that…” my voice trails off, unsure with how tocontinue.
“You think this is the same?” I can hear the hurt in hisvoice.
“No, no,” I say quickly, realising how it must have sounded. “I just… All my life there has been a trail of deadbeat men who’ve used her for money, for sex, for a roof over their heads, for alcohol even. The only exception was Richard. He loved her, he tried to fix her. Richard was the closest I’ve ever had to a father. He’s the one who got me this job. In fact, you probably know him, he’s doing the marketing for theresort.”
“RichardShelby?”
“Yes, that’shim.”
“He’s a nice guy, good at hisjob.”
“Yes, he is. But they aren’t all like Richard. Aside from him, Mum has pretty crap taste in men. Jesus, some of the people she’s brought home over theyears…”
“I’m sorry, Louisa. I’m sorry you had to grow up withthat.”
“Me too,” I say, my voice cracking with emotion. Hudson pulls me tighter against his chest. It feels good to be held this way. An understanding, born of like meeting like, settles between us. “I’m not used to this…” My voice trails off as I have trouble trying to explain all the broken shards that are still embedded in myheart.
“Used towhat?”
I can’t say being loved, because I daren’t hope for such a thing. Adored, perhaps; desired, most definitely. Earlier today, I felt both of those things. And yet, this is all beginning to feel more than that for me, much more. The brothers Freed have somehow broken down some of the barriers I’ve built to protect myself. That in itself is quite a feat and it scares the shit out ofme.
“Feeling wanted, safe,” I murmur, not quite able to watch his reaction. Rejection is something I’m used to, but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less to receive it. My mum has rejected me every single day since I can remember, choosing oblivion over loving me. It was a lonely place growing up with a drunk, a dangerous one too, given all the seedy men she brought home. I push those thoughts aside, I don’t want to go there. That place is too dark, those memories toopainful.
Hudson doesn’t answer right away, but I can feel his gaze fall over me. I wait for his rejection, because it’s what I expect, what I’ve become usedto.
“There isn’t much I can promise, but for now having a safe place in my arms is one thing I can provide, Louisa,” he says carefully. I know what he means. I understand what he isn’t saying, that he is as broken as I am, that there are no guarantees that what we have found here in Petite Cabane will extend beyond these walls. Yet a small part of me remains hopeful, even though the larger, more cynical part is warning me to protectmyself.
I bite on the inside of my cheek hard to stop the tears I know are threatening to fall. I am stronger than this. I have to live in the moment now, not think about tomorrow or the day after. It is the only way I’ve been able to survive. Don’t expect anything and you’ll never bedisappointed.
“Thank you,” I whisper. Hudson pulls me into his arms, wrapping them around me tightly so that I am pressed into his chest. He doesn’t try to kiss me or turn this into something sexual and I’m glad. Right now, safety and comfort are what I need, what I crave. Sex is a by-product of that, a great one granted, but a by-productnonetheless.
He holds me close for a long moment until the door swings open and Max enters, a goofy smile spreads across his face when he sees us embracing. He takes a leap onto the bed, jumping on top of usboth.
“Now what are you two up to, all cosy in here? Room for one more?” he asks, wiggling hiseyebrows.