“Shoot.”She puts her head against mine.“You know you can ask me anything.”
“When he gets old enough, you’ll teach him to defend himself, won’t you?I don’t want him going around thinking he’s the big shit no one can touch.I want him to have a healthy respect for bad things that might happen.”
We turn so that we’re staring at one another.As so many people have accused us of doing, we have a conversation with our eyes.I don’t have to tell her I’m thinking of what happened to us when we were kids.Nobody’d ever thought we’d need to know how to protect or defend ourselves.It was assumed we’d have a member of Heaven Hill around us at all times.Until it was a member who had turned and we’d been running from the ones we thought we could trust.
“You know I will.He’ll be the baddest one in preschool.He won’t live in fear the way I did.He’s going to know from the first moment he can that he’s strong and loved.”
“He will,” I agree with her.
She reaches over, touching my belly.“Have you felt him move yet?”
“I think so.”I shrug, a smile spreading across my face.“But I’m not sure yet, so I haven’t told Bishop.I don’t want to excite him for no reason and then we find out I have heartburn.”
Justice giggles and I wrinkle my nose.
“You’ll know, at least that’s what I’ve heard.There’ll be no wondering.”
“That’s what I hope.”I run a hand over the t-shirt that’s becoming too tight.“I’m happy, though.”I gaze at the bump, moving my palm up and down.“Happier than I ever thought I could be.In the beginning, I was freaking out and worrying all the time.Now, I’m at the point where excitement is starting to set in.After tonight, the nursery is going to be mostly done.Now that we know we’re having a boy, we’ll be able to start buying things.There’s a shift in the way I’m thinking,” I admit to her.
“Why were you so worried to begin with?”
“Money, age, responsibility.You pick it, I was worried about it.There was another part of me that didn’t wanna get too excited either.What if I lost the baby?”
“Oh Harley, you should’ve talked to me about that.”She reaches over, hugging me around the neck.
“I didn’t want anyone to know that’s what I was going through.I mean, this is supposed to be one of the happiest moments of my life and I just couldn’t let myself feel it.”
“But you can now?”
Grinning at her, I nod.“Yeah, I’m gonna be the happiest bitch you’ve ever seen.”
She giggles.“I’m sure you will.I’m sure you will.”