“And when itwasbad?”
I shake my head. I don’t let my mind go there, because I know if I do, I won’t be able to come back from it tonight. He tightens his hold on my body as a fresh round of tears pours down my face.
He wasn’t judging me for sleeping with people out of necessity; he was upset that it was ever something Ineededto do.
“Your happiness, pleasure, and safety are all I care about,” he says. “Nothing you’ve done, or had done to you, will ever change that fact. I love you, McKenzie.”
My chest clenches. “Austin...”
“You don't have to say it back. I just need you to know.”
I turn and wrap my arms around him. No one besides Hollywood has ever said they loved me. Not my mom, or even Gramps, though I like to think he did come to love me in the end.
“How do you know?”
“How do I know I've loved you every single day for the past two years?” He caresses my back. “Because the moment I laid eyes on you, I wanted to clear out every single insignificant thing in my life to make room for you. I know you've endured more pain than most people experience in their whole lives. And I know you're still going through it.”
“I’m not—”
“Shh,” he whispers. “It's okay, baby girl. You don't have to pretend with me. You can break down, fall apart, make a big-ass mess. I’ll help you pick up the pieces.”
My knees fail me, but Austin is there to help guide me gently to the tile. He holds me while I sob, shuddering and wailing, chafing my throat raw. I don’t know why I’m still crying, only that I wish it would stop.
Using the handheld shower wand, he rinses the conditioner from my hair and massages my scalp. He washes my body, then washes himself, and even though I don't have anything else to clean, I can't bring myself to step out of the shower until he’s done, too.
As he dries me off with a soft, fluffy towel, I ask myself, am I in love with Austin? I honestly don’t know; I've never been in love before. All I know is that I want to be here with him more than I've ever wanted to be anywhere else.
Austin brings me into the bedroom and sits me down on the bed.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah, baby?”
I wet my lips. I’m feeling tender and exposed after the emotional exchange we just had—andlittle.So little, I could curl up in the palm of his hand.
“I need you,” I tell him.
He presses a kiss to my forehead. "I'm right here, Kenzie. I'm not going anywhere."
“No, I mean Ineedyou.”
His gaze darkens. “You’re saying you want to play a game, baby girl?”
I nod.
He scrubs at his beard, his brow crimped as though he’s thinking carefully about what to suggest. “You know the game Red Light Green Light?”
That’s definitely not the kind of game I was expecting. “Is that the one where someone stands up front and yells, red light, and everyone has to freeze before they turn around?”
"That's right. But our version’s gonna be a little different."
“Different how?”
He places his hand on my chest, between my breasts, over my heart.
“Daddy's gonna do whatever it takes to turn that frown of yours upside down, and you're gonna set the pace by saying red light or green light. If you say, red light, Daddy has to stop what he’s doing. If you say, green light, he can start again.”
I squint, not sure whether I understand the rules, let alone the point. “So, if I say red light, we both have to stop?”