“Kenz, you know you don’t owe me anything for letting you stay here, right?” I wait for her to roll her eyes and say she was only kidding. But she just stares at me, blinking.
“Of course not,” she says quickly, but it comes out sounding far too much like a question.
Something noxious coils in the pit of my stomach like smog, casting shadows over the events of the night. I should have taken her back to Cal and Holly’s house, not here. I should not have kissed her, or told her that I wanted to sleep with her, and I sure as fuck shouldn’t have sat by and watched her masturbate in my truck.
For all I know, she only did that because she thought I expected her to, the way I confessed my desire as a way to get her to come home with me. I took her arousal and enthusiasm as a sign that she shared my feelings.
But what if she doesn’t? Now that I think about it, she never actually said she wanted to be with me.
What the fuck have I done?
As painful as it is to push her away, I do it.
I let go of her hand and stand up.
“I’m going to sleep downstairs tonight,” I tell her. One right decision after a long string of wrong ones isn’t going to make up for the damage I’ve done. But it’s a start. “We’ll talk about this in the morning.”
“But you said you wanted me.” Confusion and betrayal vie for real estate across her face.
I sigh the sigh to end all fucking sighs.
“I know what I said, McKenzie, but it doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t be thanking me like that for being nice to you.”
She pulls the blanket up to her chest.
“Thanking you like what?”
“With your body. I don’t want it and I don’t want you to feel like you have to give it to me.”
“Oh...” Her lip trembles.
Hurt spreads across her face and realize I’ve jammed my foot in it yet again.
“Fuck, Kenz, I didn’t mean—”
“I get it, Austin,” she snaps. “You don’t want me. You never did. And this whole thing was just a manipulation tactic to stop me from going home with Jeremy.”
“That is not what this is. Not entirely.”
“You know, this concerned-dad routine is almost as old as you are. You can’t keep coming to my rescue.”
“McKenzie—”
“Just go, Austin.” She flops down on her side, away from me. “That’s what you want to do anyway.”
It’s not what I want to do. Not by a mile. But if I lie down beside her and she touches me again, I won’t have it in me to refuse her. I’ll have to take that quivering lip between my teeth and suck on it ‘til it’s as pink and swollen as it would be after sucking my dick.
“I’m sorry, Kenz.”
She doesn’t respond.
I don’t know how I do it, but somehow, I leave the room.