“Thanks. I can manage now.”
He lets me go, and I hobble to the bathroom.
* * *
CAL
Fuck,I wanted to kiss her. Would she have kissed me back? I’m such a dick, of course she wouldn’t. She has more important things to think about now, like getting better. Kissing me is the last thing on her mind.
If I had kissed her, I wouldn’t be able to stop at that. I need to have her, but she’s not capable of letting me do the things I need to do to her. Just the touch of her hand in mine was enough to make my jeans uncomfortable, even in her sheep pyjamas.
I wonder if I can still make her feel the same. If her body would still react to mine like I do hers. I felt her breathing heavy, but she does that through the pain.
How could she feel anything for me after the misery I put her through? All this pain I’ve caused. I want it to be me. I want to take all this hurt. If I could have it inflicted on me instead, I’d gladly do that for her, just to see her smile again. To see her eyes sparkle and her infectious laugh that makes me laugh even when nothing’s funny. She can’t even giggle without it hurting her ribs.
With a coffee in hand, I sit at the kitchen table, waiting for the laptop to load. She passes me, her fingers graze my shoulder as she walks by, sending sparks of electricity down my spine.
“What are you working on?”
“Some freelance stuff Jerry sent through.”
“It’s kind of him to give you work.”
“Yeah, he said I could have my old job back.”
“My job, you mean.”
“He said he’d make another position for me, and he’d be glad to have me back. When you’re better and don’t need me here, of course.”
“Do you want to go back to work there?”
“I would if you wouldn’t mind working with me again, but I left for a reason. I don’t want to make things awkward or difficult for you.”
She slumps over the back of my chair, holding her side.
I turn my head and see the pain carved into her face.
“Can I be honest, Cal?”
“Sure.”
“I know this is really selfish of me, but I couldn’t stand to work with you if you date other women.”
“I—”
“Let me finish. I know it’s going to happen eventually, and I have to get used to the idea. I just don’t want to have it rubbed in my face every day.”
I huff. “Like you did with Justin, you mean?”
“Cal, that’s not fair.”
“I’m sorry.” I take her hand as it rests on the chair, her other arm clutching her side. Doesn’t she realise she’s the one I want? It’s always been her. “What about when you meet someone?”
“Don’t make me laugh. It hurts my side.”
“What? You’re gonna start dating again, eventually.”
She looks at me like I’ve grown another head. “As if anyone is going to want to date me. A fat middle-aged woman with three kids to two different men. I can’t even advertise that I’m a good cook.”