Justin could be an axe murderer, and she’d still think the sun shone out of his arse. She doesn’t understand how he always made me feel. She makes me feel the same way, like I’m never good enough.
“Have you forgotten Justin was cheating on me, too?”
“Well, is there any wonder?”
“Mum, please. It’s been a difficult few days. I don’t need a lecture right now.”
Cal walks into the kitchen, holding Caleb in his arms while he sucks on a rusk biscuit. I want to be the one in his arms. I need someone to hold me. His lips press into a thin line. I’m sure he can hear every word blurting out of my phone.
“You only have yourself to blame. I warned you about him. You should have stayed clear and kept your knickers on. Then you wouldn’t be in this mess.”
Cal steps forward and snatches the phone from me. “Sue. She doesn’t need you going on at her.”
I can hear Mum shouting down the handset. “Huh. She’ll be needing me tomorrow though, won’t she? Expecting me to babysit while she’s at work. Put her on this instance.”
He paces the kitchen, flaring his nostrils. “I can take care of my own son.”
She screeches down the phone, but Cal cuts her off. “Bye, Sue.” He cancels the call and drops my phone on the worktop. “Don’t let her talk to you like that. She acts as though she’s mother of the fucking year.”
I wipe my cheeks, knowing I’ll never own that title. Neither will my mother, but she thinks she does.
Caleb’s finished the rusk and is now eating his own hand. “I need to feed him.” I hold my arms out for Caleb, and he makes a gurgling noise, waving his arms like he’s happy to be with me at least.Because you’re his dinner. I carry him into the living room and get comfy on the sofa with a cushion under my arm.
He’s over hungry and latches on as soon as I lift my top.
Cal sits next to me on the sofa. “I was thinking of staying the night.”
“What?” My breath catches in my throat and a warmth floods my chest that he actually wants to stay the night, or does he want to keep an eye on me?
He clears his throat. “If that's all right? I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“You think I'm going to have another episode while the kids are here, don't you? You think I'm a terrible mother that can't be trusted with her own kids?” I choke up and stare at Caleb. His tiny hand clings to my finger, giving me the strength I need to not cry again.
“You're a great mum.” Cal’s arm slides behind my neck, and he pulls me into his chest and kisses my wet hair. “But yes, I’m worried about you. Not that I think you’d hurt the kids.”
I let Cal hold me close, never wanting him to let me go. I stay here for a long time, pressed against the side of his chest, listening to the beat of his heart.
Cal points to Caleb, still suckling. “He’s really going to town on that, isn’t he?”
A laugh rocks through me. “Did you feed him today?”
“Yeah, but he wasn’t keen on that jarred baby food.”
“Which did you give him?”
“Cauliflower cheese, I think.”
“Yeah, he’s not too keen on that one.”
“He kept spitting it out. I thought it was because I was feeding him.”
Cal rubs his hand up and down my arm, reminding me of our days in the attic where he would hold me. All I ever wanted was to have a family with him, but I never thought it would be so friggin’ complicated.
I swallow the lump in my throat and lift my head to look into his eyes. “I love you, Cal,” I whisper, though it's barely audible.
He gazes back with eyes rich like my favourite chocolate. His fingers still stroking my arm. “I love you, Steph.”
I gulp, shocked that he said the words back. My lips inch close to his. I want him to kiss me and make everything better. He must know I want to kiss him. I inch closer still, hoping he’ll meet my lips.